Small town mentality

For the most part I love living in our picturesque countryside village, but the hardest thing about living here is that so many people are overly subdued. Even though we lived here for two years in the beginning of the decade and moved back two years ago, we are still, by many, considered NEW. And NEW, for some reason, is synomynous with THREATENHING, or to say the least, HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS.

But, hey, I'm an adult; I can deal with small-mindedness. Either we end up being neighborly towards each other - or they all can continue to ignore my very presence - it's their call.

Why, however, must this banal attitude be passed on to the next generation - our kids? Today we found out that the 6-year-old down the street is having his birthday party. On our block there are 5 children in the same age group, who all attend the same kindergarten, my son included. When my son had his birthday party I made sure that all of the neighborhood kids were invited, since we all know that our first childhood friends were almost exclusively the kids who lived closest to us. Anyhow, the other kids were invited, just not my son.

His solution? "Mom, we can buy him a present, and I can bring it to him!" And I end up trying to explain why it doesn't work that way. And it breaks my heart.

Mantra, surrender, coincidence

Today I finally got myself to the gym to do my yoga practice. I decided that I would try to use the mantra "OM" (with music) for inspiration. When I near a pose's edge I usually ask myself, "What should I be doing more of here?" Today when I reached that point I answered myself by surrendering to the sounds of my background mantra. I discovered that I had a much easier time finding just the right amount of energy to hold the pose while the softening of my mind helped me to relax the muscles that didn't need to be activated, which resulted in my reaching a more comfortable depth in my poses and flow.

With me being a pretty typical pitta, this less is more lesson is extremely valuable, and I am slowing making progress in my own practice both on the mat and off. But I don't incorporate mantra enough into my teaching. And I should definitely start guiding more in the direction of shifting one's focus to releasing tension in asana.

Said and done, I completed my practice feeling renewed and already looking forward to using this experience as a basis for next week's theme. As I left the room I grabbed my new Body Balance DVD that had just been delivered, and I laughed as read the text on the backside cover:

The focus in BODYBALANCE 45 is on breathing and letting go or relaxing the body parts you're not using in the poses and movements.

Cheers, Jackie!

Reassurance

This is for anyone who knows someone who is perhaps suffering from an illness, in mourning, or simply in the midst of some sort of life crisis. I have a close friend who is dying from cancer. I have written about him in earlier entries and maintained that I would do everything I could to speak with him and see him as often as possible. It has also been my goal to keep our meetings light and ordinary since I know he misses being out and about, so I see it as my mission to bring as much information (and gossip) I can so that he can stay up to date. Sure we talk about his condition, cancer for me is not scary to talk about, but he hasn't wanted to dwell on it seeing as how no one knows what the future has in store. Or when.

As his health deteriorates, the lapses between our conversations grow. I have on more than one occassion wondered if I am doing him any good.

This week our "branch" had an exhibition in his neighboring town, one that I know he has frequented for years and years. He had his chemo a couple of days prior, so I knew that he would probably not be feeling at all well. But he came, seeing as how his love of social activitities knows no limits. We had lunch together with some other colleagues and mingled about for a while afterwards. Before long he left to return home.

I had decided that the next time I got to meet with him alone that I would flat out ask him if there was anything I should be doing differently, or if maybe it was getting too difficult (for him) to keep on staying in touch. After all, even though we're friends, we've never socialized outside of work or even met each other's families.

On my way home from work today I got a text message:

Hi! Thanks for lunch. It makes me just as happy everytime we get together. Have a great weekend. Love, B

There was my answer.

Listen up!

My boss doesn't listen to us. I only let it get to me some of the time; mostly I just go about minding my own business which, honestly, suits me just fine. But when it's time to have a discussion, I end up at a loss because no matter how much I try to mirror what he says and validate his points NOTHING I do or say can get him to do the same in return. Not much fun when the topic you're trying to discuss is your salary.

I have the same problem with my mother. It goes so far back and runs so deep that I have completely given up. Or at least I pretend I have. In my dreams I go ape-shit on her, pent up feelings of such incredible frustration over neither being allowed to have nor make a point finally get the best of me, and my patience cup runneths over. I end up feeling completely out of control; similar to when I dream that I drive my car off a bridge into a body of water.

But at least when I drive my car off the bridge I always manage to find my way out and start swimming towards the water's surface, despite my panicky fear. This never happens when I dream about people I can't reach, even when I do everything I can to meet them on their terms.

It keeps me a loss.

My couch is my oasis

I am selfishly (as in, yes, I am thinking purely of myself right this minute) lying on the couch in yet another attempt to recharge. I'm thinking that since I finished off my package of Arctic Root last week that I am in fact a lot more tired - quick mental note - must buy some more.

Soon I hope to muster enough energy to get up and pack my overnight bag and reorganize my car so that I may actually be able to start my trip to Norrköping as planned at 6:30 tomorrow.

But for now I am just so grateful to be lying down on my soft, seductive couch, laptop in place, head resting comfortably on one armrest while my legs dangle over the side of the other one, knowing that the couch isn't expecting anything in return, nor does it anxiously wonder if I plan on staying much longer.

Recharge

One of the problems with having a job that requires hours of travel every day is that my to-do list consistently undergoes radical changes from the time I leave a customer to the time I return home. And it's frustrating.

So even though I'm still on the "non-routine" wagon (as far as exercising goes) I had high hopes of doing some yoga today - and not just any yoga, mind you. I spent the couple of hours I had at home this morning before leaving for today's appointment doing laundry, making beds, making dinner, just so I could enjoy a guilt-free yoga class with Carina 6 P.M. this evening.

Change of plans - looking at the clock when I finally was able to start my trip home this afternoon there was no way I was going to make it back in time. OK, I thought, I will just have to work out on my own today. I stopped for something to eat so that I wouldn't have to worry about that upon returning home, which would have meant waiting at least another hour before starting.

Then the inevitable occurred, as it so often does. When I'm all alone in the car, my optimistic mind enthusiastically writes list after list of all the things I find myself actually longing to get done. My energy at that point is on top. All I have to do is make it home. After about an hour - PANG - my head feels like it's going to explode, and I am desperately clutching at the steering wheel trying not to think about how wonderful it would be to close my eyes.

When I finally did get home, it was all I could do to drag myself inside and throw myself down on the couch. Work out? I couldn't even sit up! In a last, desperate attempt to not see all my plans get flushed down the toilet I decided that a little müsli might help bring me back. And a ½ cup of coffee. So now I'm feeling a bit more like myself again. It's almost 8 P.M. With any luck the kids will be in bed within 20 minutes; maybe then I could roll my mat out???

Give it up or just give up?

Stress management makes so much sense when I am calm and in control. It's when my emotions play me like a yo-yo that I realize how low my threshold can be. And if Bloodhounds are good at tracking down blood, then my kids must be Stresshounds because they can always tell when Mom is about to lose it; with anxiety written all over their faces.

Tonight I recognized what was happening and decided to stop while I was ahead. I didn't want them to pay the price for my bad mood. I was going to give it up, accept my circumstances, and make those waffles that I had promised my daughter earlier in the day. While glancing through the newspaper I saw yet another picture of a child with dried blood and stitches on his face, a victim of a carbomb attack, which just goes to prove that my woes were pretty freaking superficial. Maybe I was on to something here?

Not so fast. Before long my exhaustion hit, and my emotions started regaining their momentum. I bit my lip and made those waffles just to discover as I put them on the table that we didn't have any jam. At that point it became quite obvious tonight wouldn't mark my obtaining any form of milestone enlightenment.

Instead I gave up. Maybe tomorrow I'll get it right.

P.S. Thank goodness we had a few drops of Log Cabin syrup in the cabinet.

Creative excursions

The year I turned thirty, I found myself stuck (we're talking quicksand-stuck) in a huge pre-midlife crisis. Reading Sandra Ban Breathnach's book, "A Simple Abundance", offered not only comfort during this rough period in my life, it became a pivotal turning point for me. While I don't necesarily share the same taste in Victorian decorating and gardening styles often described in various essays, her book offered many thoughts and ideas that have greatly influenced and altered my perspectives. Her main claim being that we already have all that we will ever need, I have learned among other things the importance of keeping my creative juices flowing, even when money and time are scarce.

One suggestion is that you give yourself the opportunity to go on creative excursions. A creative excursion is basically a fancy word for window-shopping. The idea is to indulge in admiring, maybe even trying on, everything you see that tickles your fantasy. (Naturally, it doesn't have to be limited to clothing; I just happen to love clothes shopping.) See it as a chance to be playful, adventurous - like when you dare to try on something that makes you leave your comfort zone.

I, for one, am normally the girl who goes for safe styles. I am lucky to have been taken under the wings of my own personal shopping goddess (my girlfriend Maria), and she has through her method of tough love made me realize that I, too, can wear bright colors and cool patterns. She's also the one who introduced me to the amazing Lager 157 outlet stores.

Today I had an appointment in Västervik where there just happens to be a Lager 157, and for once I could during a long lunch really take my time studying different shapes, colors, patterns, and textures on a seemingly endless number of fantastic summer creations. When something caught my eye, I tried it on. So even if I can't afford extravagant shopping sprees, I can still enjoy playing dress-up.

And lucky for me Lager 157 is an outlet with real outlet prices, so I was actually able to treat myself to a bright pink knit summer top with a discreet gold band with a bow across the neckline. NICE :-) .

My biggest obstacle

At this moment I am suffering from a heinous tension headache, heartburn, I have a lump in my throat and my breathing is stuck in my collar bones. With symptoms like this one might think that something dreadful has happened or that I am being exposed to some sort of extreme, inhuman stress. Or perhaps I have been catapulted into a situation that is completely out of my control.

The truth is I have spent the past two hours of this evening trying to persuade myself to book a weekend for myself, by myself in Stockholm. My husband tells me flat out, "I think you should do it."

And yet the thought of actually doing it inadvertently awakens my personal Guilty Conscience Monster (who resembles those black angels of death from the movie "Ghost"). He whispers things like:

Train tickets cost money. There's so many other things that you could use the money towards.

It's not like you're obligated to go to the yoga workshop you plan to sign up for. You have books and notes that you can use to develop your practice.

Won't you feel bad leaving the kids?

You can see Maria some other time, like when you have more money, time, etc.

And yet (here's the embarassing part):

I have vouchers for my train tickets so that I can travel first class for peanuts.

I have an AWESOME girlfriend with the nicest apartment (where I can crash for free) that is literally like a home away from home. And we always have a BLAST together.

Work will pay for the workshop.

My kids are going to have their mother around 24/7 the entire month of July.

I realize that as I write this, that if I don't get my crap together and just (as my husband so elegantly put it) DO IT then I will be one of those pitiful women who waste their lives as martyrs lamenting over never getting credit for their so-called sacrifices.

By the way, it is a done deal. Tickets are paid (non-refundable). Girlfriend is informed. Sign-up is completed, so the last weekend of June I will first spend three hours learning to "fly into asana" and proceed to eats tons of Ben & Jerry's so that I am ready for the intensive, therapeutic shopping that will follow.

Don't think, just do...at least some of the time

This morning, Sunday, we awoke to yet another glorious, sunny day. Although the house needed cleaning, the grass needed mowing, and clothes needed washing, there was no doubt in my mind as to what we were going to do first. I told my husband that I was taking the kids for a "Bingo Walk" around Stensö (a small island in Kalmar). I was delighted when he immediately agreed to come, too, when he just as easily could have told us to go on our own so that he could do, this, that, and the other thing in the meantime.

That's usually how our weekends look otherwise: endless planning, scheduling, logistics, and your basic, run-of-the-mill damage control. Today, however, my instinct to leave the mess at home and spend some time together as a family got top priority. It ended up taking a lot longer than I expected, so several plans that I had secretly made for the afternoon got canned. For instance, instead of making a homecooked Sunday dinner, we ended up frying up some hotdogs for lunch. Getting the lawn mowed beat out doing any yoga. And even before I finished the lawn it was time for me to drive to the gym to teach my Sunday class.

But what's the point of freaking out? I'll never forget a little something I read years and years ago in a newspaper, where they asked 5-year-old to explain what "time" was. He answered, "Time is time. Kids have more time than grownups."

It's so true; anyone with kids would have to agree. I just hope at least today my kids got to feel that their parents had enough time for them, despite the dustbunnies.

Good vibrations

For starters, Tack (Thank you), Carina for a magical hour this evening.

Thank you especially for reminding me at the end of class that we can offer positive, loving energy to others through our thoughts and intentions. Tonight I automatically chose to offer a silent prayer to the young boys in Gävle who were victims of a horrific, illegal circumcision.

It may sound pointless, but I remember reading somewhere that our thoughts effect our brain waves, and that our brain waves, in turn, effect the vibrations within the universe; which implies that we can physically alter the universe with our mind.

And when you think about it, maybe it's not so strange. How often does one see or experience something that spontaneously makes you feel good? Here you can see a couple things that made me feel good today...

Non-routine workout(s)

I wrote in my previous entry that I am no longer going to try to plan my exercise in advance since I often times find myself stressing more about it than actually enjoying it. So I decided that this past weekend that enough was simply enough.

I've been on the road since Monday. Before I left home I got up for an early morning walk around "my" stream while listening to the birds, humming along to a couple of songs on my Mp3 player, and inhaling the fresh scent of jasmine.

When I was finished with work yesterday, I chose to visit a dear friend that I hadn't seen in months instead of hurrying back to my hotel room to exercise. When I returned to my room later in the evening, I was feeling rather stiff from standing all day. So I did some "Candlelight Yoga" to soften up my joints which felt great.

Tonight, upon returning to my hotel after having visited my friend for another delightful evening, I thought about doing some yoga. But instead of dutifully rolling out my mat, I wondered to myself if I really wanted to do yoga. So I paused and listened inward, and I came to the conclusion that tonight I felt like using the ellipse machine (which I never use) for a short while and followed it up with a 20-minute Baron Baptiste core work out. Listening to Baron again (not live, on my computer, of course), well, it was like meeting another old friend... It felt fresh, and most of all:

I enjoyed myself!

If I had a nickel...

...for every time I have promised myself to get a yoga/meditation/morning walk/you-name-it routine started and make it stick!

You know what I'm talking about: the old "starting on Monday, I'm going to yada-yada-yada so many times on yada-yada-yada days, and I'm not going to quit until yada-yada-yada and so on and so forth.

Call me a woose (sv. mes), but that's it, I'm through with this crap. I'm jumping off the hamster-wheel and workout wagon. Because guess what I just figured out? (That is after 20 years of failing to create and maintain a steady exercising routine to suit my taste...) Every freakin' week is different! I feel different from week to week! There will never be a week (at least not before retirement) when I will have finished everything on my to-do list so that I will be able to go work out without the burden of a guilty conscience!

From now on the key to my practice is going to be finding some yogic balance in my life. So when things are crazy (as they are now in a big way) I won't make things worse by stressing about not having time for my physical and meditation practice. When I once again find myself being too impatient with my kids, I will remind myself that I alone own the responsibility for my reactions (note that I said my kids; I'm not quite ready to make the same promise about my husband...OK, fine, I'll work on being patient with him, too.) God knows that if I want to continue moving forward on this lifelong journey, I have to be able to keep a sense of mind. And I believe that the only way to do that is by giving myself what I need rather than expecting it, almost to the point of demanding it, from those closest to me (just a little something I stole from Dr. Phil, but I think he's right on the money on this one, too).

So starting this week: Yesterday evening I came home from Iceland. Tomorrow I leave for Skåne and will be away until Thursday. I'll bring my mat, as always, and if I have the time and space, I will do my practice.

Otherwise this Mother's Day I am giving myself the gift of patience to myself (!) and a note from the spritual Mom within that I am excused from any exertion (outside of work and taking care of my kids) that won't leave me feeling better about myself afterwards.

Good luck, me.

Surrender

I got to explore Iceland today, at least part of it. I spent the afternoon on a mini-bus tour of the geysers and the largest waterfall (Gullfoss) an hour outside of Rejkavik.

It's hard for me to put into words what I experienced as we drove along the countryside. There are no trees and very little vegetation on Iceland. It's barren, and yet it was remarkable. I found it to be astoundedly beautiful, mainly because it was what it was; it was as it was meant to be; Mother Nature was in her element, and nothing could change the impression left upon her creation out of vulcanic ashes and iceages.

The air was so incredibly clear, and the light from the cloudless sky shone so brightly that it was intoxicating. There were so many shades of earthen colors, shadows, and textures, and I could swear my eyes had been equipped with HD-vision. It was chaos, not strange considering the violent powers this small island has reckoned with throughout the ages. And yet the landscape in turn had come to terms with all that had been wrought upon it, so despite the disorder there was an amazing calm, a tranquil surrender.

It made me want to bow down and pay my respect for that unfathomable, universal power that shapes our existence. It made me aware of my mortality, and yet somehow, today I got a small taste of immortality.

I was embraced and enraptured by the natural, organic beauty I was submerged in everywhere I turned. A world without touchups, botox, and artificial flavors. It was perfect.

Iceland

I have not allowed myself to look forward to or prepare myself for my trip to Iceland. When travelling on business I very rarely have the opportunity to take advantage of what my surroundings have to offer which always leaves me feeling completely bummed out.

But now I'm here. I had no real expectations as to how it would seem, but "different" definitely comes to mind. Like moon-landscape meets glaciers meets Warsaw meets seaside village. Tonight I dined on an exquisite lambsteak at an Italian restaurant and got totally buzzed after one glass of red wine (my limit nowadays).

It's a quarter to ten in the evening, and the sun has yet to set.

I'm crossing my fingers that I will somehow get to visit some hot springs before returning home.

The ultimate compliment

I got the ultimate compliment today, and I have promised myself to etch it into my longterm memory, in case comments like these should become endangered in the (teen)years to come.

The students in my daughter's class were assigned to tag along with one of their parents to work today. She had planned on going with her dad to the high school where he's a teacher, but a stomach bug kept him home sick. Instead she got to follow me as we drove more than 2 hours to meet a family with a handicapped son in need of a carseat.

The actual visit, which is the essence of my work, only lasted about an hour. During that time her "studies" consisted of playing with a younger sibling and their adorable kitten. During the 5 hours we spent in the car, a.k.a. my office, she listened to her c.d. book while playing on her Nintendo DS, and I made a number of phone calls.

Every now and then we chatted. Among other things the question, "What does homosexual mean?" came up so we discussed that. We stopped for a bite to eat, checked out a couple of clothes stores, and eventually arrived home.

Before I stopped the car she thanked me for being able to come with me to work today. She thanked me again as I kissed her goodnight, and my heart nearly exploded in ecstasy when she said that spending the day together was fun and that maybe we could do it again sometime.

Today was a holiday which meant we had the day off. I had the perfect opportunity to do my practice - anyway and anytime I wanted to.

The only thing was that I didn't want to...but that is not at all unusual. I almost always feel this way initially, and then I get started, and it all feels better (usually after 15 minutes or so).

Today the feeling of not wanting to work out was palpable in every fiber, in every cell. I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

So I didn't.

Belonging

I live by the sea. I did not grow up by the sea, but I live there now, south of Kalmar to be exact. Everytime I see this body of water, it feels like the first time all over again. I become enthralled.

My respect for water is boundless; I would neither challenge its power nor its wrath. I am convinced that the powers of nature and the cosmos are greater than man's.

What would it be like to reach that point of elightenment when you realize that you are God, that everyone and everything is God?

(Unfortunately(?))I can't even begin to grasp that concept. Frankly, it frightens me.

For now, I gratefully continue to bask in a heartfelt feeling of belonging everytime I meet the sea.