Shut up and listen!

Decision time. A job offer that could take me to the next notch on my career ladder. Added responsibilities. But what about the salary?

The original offer was more than I have today, but still so much lower what I expected. My counterbid was swiftly rejected. Another offer was made, somewhat higher than the first, but still far off base.

What to do? Job offers don't grow on trees now, do they? Openings through the corporate ceiling aren't easy to come by either. I was given the weekend to decide whether to accept or decline.

So I sat down to meditate yesterday. I decided to inquire within, and as though I were practicing a mantra I repeated in my mind, "What should I do? What should I do? What should I do?" After a couple of minutes, my silence sternly responded, "SHUT UP & LISTEN!"

OK, point taken. Stop mauling and start chilling.

Today, I sat again in meditation, keenly set on listening. Somewhere in the depths of my skull I could here David Bowie's "Ziggy Stardust" playing (I had heard it on the radio the other day.). My silence asked me, "Who is your greatest enemy?"

My mind, always wanting to chip into the conversation was about to respond, "David Bowie", when my silence beat him/her to it by offering the following: FEAR & AMBIVALENCE.

OK, I thought. I didn't want to admit to my silence that I had a feeling I knew what ambivalence meant, but I still wasn't 100% sure. So I looked it up online afterwards:

am·biv·a·lence noun \am-ˈbi-və-lən(t)s\

Definition of AMBIVALENCE
1: simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action
2a : continual fluctuation (as between one thing and its opposite) b : uncertainty as to which approach to follow

Point taken. Mind made up. No more fear. No more ambivalence.

Nothing on my bucket list

I spent the weekend admidst the pictoresque landscape that is Northern Sweden's eastern coast, whose white steeples set against a background of foliage-painted hills is the closest I'll come to the magnificence of my childhood New England autumns. Inside the stone walls of a medieval church replica, I enjoyed the extreme pleasure of bearing witness to the exhcange of marital vows between two of my closest friends.

P and I had also chosen to marry in the fall, and even though he couldn't join me on this joyous excursion, the spirit of this weekend has rekindled within me a profound sense of closeness and gratitude towards my husband. Despite the hundreds of miles between us, I am living proof that longning does make the heart grow fonder.

On Friday I had spoken to my sister, and she mentioned in passing that she had discussed her "Bucket List" with a new acquaintance. It got me to thinking about what my "Bucket List" should include? In short, I came up with nothing.

This, I believe, is partly due to the fact that my life has included more than I ever dreamt was possible. And even though I'll continue to welcome new opportunities to travel to say the very least, the only thing I am certain of as far as my destination goes is that I want to share it with P. In other words, I'd rather sit on a park bench with him in town than lie alone on an exotic beach in the tropics. I'd rather be happy everyday (well, at least several days a week), than feel ecstatic for just a few days of my life.

I have absolutely nothing against bucket lists. I think it's great if someone has a vision and strives to fulfill their dreams, no matter what they may be. For me, being able to continue living the life that I have, even though future changes are going to be inevitable, is all I need for the moment.