Dated

How do I know that I've crossed that line from having turned 40 to being 40-something?

* Nowadays, about half of my sentences open with, "I just heard on the radio..."

* I've gone from listening to pop-radio, to listening to CD-books, to listening solely to public radio.

* After yet another week of snow showers and artic temperatures, moving to Florida seems like such an attractive alternative.

* I've had to go to a foot dermatologist twice this month.

* I cleaned my closets and removed all articles of clothing that don't fit anymore.

* I only wear t-shirts when working out so that I don't have to worry about having perfectly shaved armpits.

* My tweezer's working overtime.

* Only dark chocolate will do.

Cloudy weather

Oh, I've had the opportunity to work on those equanimity skills today, that's for sure! And let's just say I am a real work in progress - with a really long way to go.

I hate confrontations. Even the ones that are supposed to lead to improvement. But that's about me; I recognize that and realize that it's something I have to work on. I need to learn how to say what I think without getting too wrapped up about it!

Something I read last week in my latest issue of Yoga Journal has been a big help today. It was a metaphor where blue skies represent who we really are, and that while clouds of obstruction may block our view, they can't diminish the skies that we know exist behind them. So when those clouds literally came rolling in today, I did all that I could to find even a glimpse of blue between them.

When I talked to my husband on the phone, cursing rabidly about the day I was having, he just told me to come on home, that everything would feel better then. I nearly bit my tongue off resisting the urge to snarl something back. He called me back two minutes after I hung up to say, "Puss (kiss)."

He was wrong, of course. I started feeling better just five minutes later. The same way that clouds come and go, so do my moods. But recognition of that fact helps me remember that even when my clouds are dark and seem all encompassing, that they, too, shall pass.

Long time, no see

Or more like NO time, NO see.

I miss blogging, so much so that I left my warm bed at 6:30 A.M. on a Saturday morning so that I could indulge myself while the rest of the house was asleep. So my absence from this page isn't due to a lack of interest. It's just that I'm at the point where I have to prioritize whether I want to write entries or get enough sleep...

I think I can honestly say that I've never been busier than I am at the moment. Granted, having a newborn was a lot tougher than leading the life of career woman/mother of school children/homemaker/yogi/yadayadayada which is why you will never see me being a trendy mother of three! Having small babies was for me just utterly exhausting, albeit well worth the effort, if you know what I mean.

Nowadays it's the art of juggling in combination with the art of logistics that is vital if anything is to get done. In the process some balls must be dropped to the ground in order to keep the rest of them airborne. Funny thing is, for the first time in my life, I'm not feeling completely frazzled, and I think that learning to meditate is finally really starting to pay off.

In yoga literature you read about detachment, non-desire, differentiating between self and mind, but it's so incredibly diffuse in the beginning that you don't know what to make of it. And I definitely didn't see the point of it!

Growing up, I was the hypersensitive (still am), perfectionistic (still am), type-A (not so much now), reactionary (at times) whirlwind type. Note that I "still am" a number of these characteristics. However, I find that more often when faced with adversity, I'm not just living in Sweden - I AM Sweden (neutral, that is...). It's suddenly apparent that crumbs on the kitchen counter is easily remedied, and a cooler version of myself just grabs the dishrag. All the while, I see myself, almost in an out of body experience, from a distance, in a much calmer place than before.

The idea that I am not my thoughts is really starting to ring true, and the liberation that entails is mindboggling.

The fact that I am completely blessed in my life obviously plays a huge role, making it all the more natural to feel contentment despite our typhoon-like schedule: I have a good job that I enjoy, I have my darling children who seem to be doing well in their own life adventures, I have my husband, I have my yoga, I have my home.

If I were lacking in any of those areas, or if I were to lose any of them, I completely accept that I wouldn't necessarily be able to seem as self-assured as I am feeling for now. No kidding that it's easier to be detached if you know that you have the thing you're detaching yourself from! But maybe, just maybe, using the good times to learn more about myself will help me out when the dark times come.