Recurring nightmare

This morning I woke up with my heart in my throat. Once again I had dreamt that I was supposed to be on my way to the airport, and that I was dreadfully late. To make things worse I dreamt that as I was walking out the door, it dawned on me that I hadn't printed out my tickets. So I tried to log into my e-mail account, and when I opened the files that were supposed to contain my ticket information, all I could see was a regular airline brochure. As my panic grew, my husband got more and more agitated. Suddenly my mother-in-law appeared (who passed away 5 years ago), and I remember thinking what a shame that this could be the last time I see her, and I don't even have time to say good-bye. Outside it was pouring rain. I didn't know where I was headed, but I knew I was about to miss my flight. I was lost in complete and utter chaos.

This is a typical dream scenario. Funny, because I don't see myself as a stressful person. I do what I can for the moment, and I try my best to live consciously. Or so I think...

For there is one area aside from my dreams where I experience frustration and feel a bit lost. It is when I try to meditate. I try to keep it simple, and yet at the same time I try to follow some basic rules: I sit on my meditation pillow with an erect spine. I close my eyes. I breathe evenly and unforced through my nose. I practice a little pranayama. I sit still. I focus on quieting my thoughts without judgment.

But when I feel that I'm finally somewhat on the right path, I start wondering, "Now, what?" I know enough to not expect the heavens to burst open as choirs of angels annoint me with enlightenment, but I wish I had some sort of idea that what I am doing is having some sort of effect? I recently read in Yoga Journal that a study had shown that people who practiced meditation were better at noticing details compared to a group of people who didn't meditate. But subtle transitions are not easily noticed in oneself.

I have given up a lot of habits that were based on the belief that it was supposed to be good for me even though I didn't like it. Instead I try to take care of myself by doing things that I enjoy. But I am making an exception with my meditation. Unfortunately I can't honestly say I am enjoying it, but I guess I haven't given it enough effort, or else I am in need of guidance.