Looking for marbles

I am officially on vacation - from work. My thoughts are like a dropped bag of marbles scattered throughout my mind. I am in the process of finding them, polishing them off, all the while hoping the bag which holds them won't yet again break at the seams.

My practice has taken a turn since attending the Anusara workshop. I am delving more deeply than ever into my breathing in the hopes of finding unleashed energy. The poses themselves seem more secondary, and it's funny because I've noticed that I become even more irritated when reading other "yoga"-blogs with entries solely focusing on topics like "I broke my neck, but at least I could do headstand - woohoo!" (excuse my sarcasm).

Meditation has been almost scary. It scares me to sit down and be still. I am afraid of the lump in my throat, afraid that it's going to cause pain and that I will lose control. And yet when I do settle down, it's like my fear was nothing more than a clap of thunder: immaterial and fleeting. However I feel I am in serious need of finding a course and a method in my mediation as well as a teacher. For the time being I am rereading "Meditation - Happiness Lies Within You", by Swami Muktananda. It comforts me to know that it is better (according to the author) to acknowledge thoughts that arise while in meditation rather than make yourself crazy by trying NOT to think.

Already it feels like the arms on my clock are moving faster than they did before my vacation. I finally sat myself down to write a list over what chores I want to get done as well as a list of activities I want to do with our kids. That, too, took some effort, actually writing these things down, being afraid that it would cause insurmountable pressure. The effect was nearly the opposite. If I just do one thing, then it will be one thing less on that list. Another clap of thunder has passed.

And now, off to find my marbles. Or maybe I'll just buy some new ones during the summer sales.

picture from Google