I'm tired, but I can't get to bed...

This jetlag and daylight saving's time is CRAP. Insanely tired yet unable to unwind, constant headache, stressed about work, upcoming birthdays, vacation expenses, yada-yada-yada.

At risk of sounding cliché-ish, a vacation right about now would be nice.

Moment of truth?

I love having youngsters come to my yoga class (that is the 20-25 year olds). I could never have done yoga at that age; I just wasn't mature enough.

I am, however, most blown away by the "lady" yogis, some of them easily in their fifties. After having been away for a couple of weeks today's theme was "spring cleaning", and we focused extra on hip openers. The technique I saw was outstanding (I don't know what my sub Carina put in the incense holder, but all I could think was OMG; I'm not worthy ;-)!!). One lady in particular is one that I have followed for nearly two years. The past few months she has undergone a metamorphisis, and gone is the hunched over posture with shoulders by the ears as it has been replaced by a long, lean, and STRAIGHT back, even in postures with forward bends.

Afterwards she "confessed" to me that she had been ill and hadn't been able to work out for a couple of weeks, and that she felt that she had become more inflexible.

Maybe it was my jnana (knowledge) mudra (hand position) from earlier in class. I don't know. All I know is that somewhere from deep inside me I could immediately inform this student that she was not at all stiffer in her poses; it's just the fact that she is finding her true length that the poses reach down to the depths of her body, and this is the sensation she is feeling.

Just like an excavation that gives way for a revelation.

Mr. Meow

I am in the midst of the worst part of my jetlag syndrome, the second day after having flown eastward. On top of that we had daylight savings time last night and lost yet another hour of valuable sleep.

So why is it - this furry little creature refuses to use the kitty door we installed for his convenience? Instead he goes marching back and forth in my bedroom making the louding purring noise that is his signature.

So he wins. I get up and hold open the hatch for him. When he has sniffed about the hole for a minute or so I get tired of waiting and gently pat his rear so he gets the message - Go out already!

Look at the clock and see that it's twenty minutes to nine o'clock. Since I have to be on the road at 6 A.M. tomorrow it's just as well I get up anyhow.

Do I thank him or strangle him???

Earth hour - more than a manifestation

The manifestation part is great. I felt like I was part of the "cool" crowd. Around our block the few homes without their lights turned off out stood out like sore thumbs.

After having just arrived home from our trip to the States, we were all feeling pretty jetlagged. The time it took to unpack (which I'm still not completely done with) was nonending. Then the whole trying to get back into our (at least my) routines of grocery shopping, making meals, doing laundry, making beds...

And at 8:30 P.M. Earth Hour began. I had gotten all the candles out, and watched with my daughter as the streetlights went dark. It was dark yet peaceful. My daughter and I sat on the couch and discussed her upcoming birthday party while her little brother monkeyed around (couldn't find the switch that turns him off...). Then we pulled out little brother's new board game and played "Don't Wake the Hulk" by candlelight.

Maybe not the same as playing in a pool in Florida on a hot, sunny day, but just as nice.

Time-out cyberspace. Time-in focused time.

Tomorrow we leave for Florida. No cell. No computer. Well, at least not at an arm's length; I'm sure we'll be able to borrow one at some point.

I read an awesome article years ago in a Parent's magazine. In a huge study children with working moms were compared to children whose mothers were stay-at-home moms. The results showed that it didn't matter whether or not the mother worked outside of the home, since it was how families spent time together that affected the outcome of how their kids felt, not how much.

What was even more interesting was the conclusion that we parents don't have to freak out about finding "quality time" consisting of doing a ton of things together. Instead, children fared best if they had "focused" time with their parents; that is when kids and grownups each do their own things in the near vicinity of each other, resting assured that all parties are simply conscious of each other in a harmonious coexistence.

So this vacation, while we will rejoice in being able to spend quality time together, will even be a vitamin injection of focused time together as well...

Politically incorrect

Walking towards my client's office I crossed the same path a gentleman had just passed going in another direction. He was maybe 30 feet away, but the wonderful scent of cigar smoke he left hanging in the air made me just want to stand there and savor every bit.

Recipe for comfort (after an "ugly cry")

That is, if there is no Reeses Peanutbutter Cup Sundae available.

Part I - yoga - lets the tense muscles filled with stress hormones wring themselves out. It tires you out. It helps your breathing reach your stomach area instead of being restricted to your collarbones. The secret is to not demand too much of yourself, instead let the movements warm you and loosen your insides.

Part II - sauna - Lying on my back staring at the ceiling I thought about how miserable I had been feeling. The feelings that earlier had a chokehold on me, that were making me feel completely suffocated, were dissipating in the heat. It was like they were floating upward, the same way that a lucid dream dissolves upon awakening. The pressure in my sinuses lifted as the puffiness in my swollen eyes softened. Again, it' vital that you treat yourself with kindness; I remained on the lower bench in the comfortable heat rather than expose myself to the trying heat above.

Part III - wipeout - go home, crawl into bed with your family, and watch WIPEOUT on TV. Hearing my five-year-old laugh hysterically for an hour straight makes it impossible to stay in a bad mood.

House of cards

Fell victim to the classic "Today I am going to do my thing, but first...".

"First" is soon followed by a "second", a "third", a "fourth" then when hearing of my husband's plans, the second and third switch places, just to discover, too late of course, that I had misunderstood my husband's plans.

So today's intricate plans fell to the ground like a house of cards. I picked up the husband's and the kids' cards and put them back into place. One of my cards disappeared completely while the other one, while still useable, ended up with some bent corners.

Even though my cards weren't at all spectacular, I felt tremendously sad, so much so that I couldn't stop my tears from falling. Five minutes later, I had rebuilt the altered house, but my gloom continued to stalk me.

I forced myself to play the dented card, which was to do at least an hour's yoga in between the kids' activities. Strange how my sweat always stinks of B.O. when I do yoga while feeling stressed. But I did what I could. Focused on tomorrow's theme - that everything has a backside, be it good or bad, or neither.

What has helped me was that when I reached the near end, and it was time for my forward bends, I didn't have the energy to struggle with them. Instead the calming gift that forward bends offer gave me comfort, like a hug from within.

Yoga teaches that pain is a part of life, and learning to accept that is part of our journey towards enlightenment. How nice of life to remind me of that today ;-) (she remarked with a tinge of irony...)

Half-baked

Thank you B&J. I don't even mind the heart palpitations. Just give me more. Must have more. Bring it on!

Judie's husband on line one...please pick up...

That's exactly what I am going to hear, should my husband read this blog entry before I have a chance to talk to him.

Despite all my good intentions of planning our hotel stays (far in advance) for our trip to the States next week, I have managed to book the wrong night for our night in Stockholm prior to our flight next Wednesday. By mistake I made a reservation, months ago, for Wednesday night instead of Tuesday night.

Which shouldn't matter, right? After all, how hard can it be a change a reservation from a Wednesday to a Tuesday?

Very hard apparently, more like mission impossible when it really is impossible, since there's a doctors' convention going on all next week in Stockholm.

Give me a hand keeping our fingers crossed??

Snowman's going down!

I remember from my childhood what a trying month March is. In second grade we made paper cutouts of lions and lambs, depicting March's changing moods. In fifth grade I have a memory of standing in 6 inches of snow, waiting for the bus to come, and writing with my footprints, "Snow stinks in March!".

A lot of my friends are, too, expressing their longing for spring. So far I haven't been too affected by its absence. I know that March is my least favorite month, and maybe that is why I've been more optimistic by just seeing and hearing small signs of spring's approach - sunlight through the bedroom curtains, hearing birds sing when I awake, not necessarily needing a hat, scarf, and mittens every time I open the front door, etc.

Yesterday I started out by putting on my MBT walking shoes instead of boots. The sun peered out in between clouds, so I gladly put on my sunglasses to avoid squinting. But as the day wore on the lamblike weather was overpowered by a tiresome lion, bringing sleet and freezing rain. This morning I see that a thin blanket of snow drapes the outdoors.

And I, too, can join in the chorus of voices, "Enough already!"

Foglike state in front of an oasis

All of the sudden it's quarter to ten in the evening, and I'm not sure I know where the day went. It's almost like I was a spectator today, watching myself going through the motions in a trancelike dream without a plot.

I ended up finding myself in a quaint mini-apartment at a golf hotel the evening before an exhibition. I have so much space, that there is more than enough room for both my mat and me. I even have my Sarah Ivanhoe's "Candlelight Yoga" dvd in my suitcase. So my table is set right here in front of me, set up nicely with my favorite dishes and waiting patiently...I just wish I had more of an appetite.

Yet if I don't take advantage of this situation now, then not only is my "dinner" going to get cold, someone's going to clear the table, and I won't be able to make a new reservation until God-knows-when.

Translation - mind shift

My head hurts and I can't breathe deeply. It's time to turn my brain off and listen to what my body's inner voice is saying. It's saying, "Go get some müsli for yourself. Have some water."

If you have enough energy afterwards, and are able to do so without holding your breath, you may go and quietly pack your bags. Do not freak out about the kitchen not looking the way your ego wants it to.

Rather, enjoy having a roof over your head and your comfortable, soft bed where you can lie beside your loveable man.

Mind shift

Det gör ont i huvudet och andetagen når inte på djupet. Dags att släppa tankeverksamheten och lyssna på vad kroppens inre röst säger.

Den säger: Gå och fixa lite müsli till dig själv. Drick lite vatten.

Om du sedan orkar, och kan göra så utan att andningen upphör, får du lov att lugnt och stilla packa din resväska.

Stressa inte över att köket inte ser ut som ditt ego vill att det ska se ut. Njut istället av taket över huvudet och din sköna mjuka säng, där du får sova brevid din älskvärda man.

I'm so tired, that I didn't realize I wrote this entry in Swedish - translation tomorrow.

My sense of balance is just not that into me - for the moment.

Thank God I went to Carina's yoga class yesterday. What a joy it was to surrender myself and let her guide me through an hour's worth of vinyasas and asanas. So nice - being able to submerge myself in her instructions and guidance, which is easy considering the fact that I have complete trust in both her competence and sincerity. And I can't begin to describe how delicious the pineapple, mangoes, and ginger-tea were afterwards!

Today, on my own, it was not so easy. I am planning on focusing on balance postures tomorrow, the placement of one's feet in particular, but I tell you: a drunken sailor would have succeeded better than I did standing on one leg today. And the frustrating thing is that I honestly don't know what was up with that! It's like my energy short circuited, and the more I tried to root myself, the more unstable I became.

So I figured, a-ha!, the lesson here is to let each moment go with each passing breath and thereby keep myself in the present! Ok, I did just that; at least I think I did that. Anyhow, my balance did not improve.

Is it because I shifted my regular focus to a new point? Was my drishti (visual focal point) off? Should I keep on with this new focus and see if it gets better? Or is this a message that maybe instead of rooting myself, I should instead be thinking about "lightness"?

Or should I just let it go, go to bed, and try again tomorrow?

My favorite artist

Here's my new computer screensaver. I think Lena's cartoons are sheer genius, in a heartwarming, Gary Larson sort of way. (Her blog address is http://losformos.wordpress.com/...)

Don't you love how the one on the right is sitting with (her) legs crossed while the other has (his) mug on the blanket between (his) legs in a very guy-like fashion?

The thought captions are also right on the money. Tonight I am going on a "date" with my husband. And even though love is in the air, for some reason, after having been together for 16½ years, our dates are more about "pigging out" than "making out".

But what can I say, love may be love (which is great), but for me Gyros-pizza is love as well!

Monkey mind

I just finished sitting in meditation for 15 minutes. I've decided to not go crazy about the fact that any feeling even remotely similiar to an empty zenlike state eludes me. So I sit there, eyes closed, breathing evenly. My candle with a faint lavender scent is lit, and since the wick is a bit long the flame dances and flickers about, just like my thoughts.

I notice that I am constantly "butting into" my silence with small reminders: must put pictures in frame, must hang up shelf, need to add entries to exercise diary, what will I blog about, need to order music and books from Amazon, need to check work planner, etc. Tonight I let them come with cool indifference. Sometimes I notice my thoughts fall for the tempation of being swept away, away from my inner focus, jumping from one subject to another - a real monkey mind as they say in yoga circles (For some reason I always picture Gibbon monkeys soaring from branch to branch...).

I figure that even if I am not exactly mastering the art of meditation, by letting my thoughts cascade through my consciousness rather than resisting them I will rest more peacefully when I finally get ready to go to sleep.

Almost forgot...

My friend, the one with cancer, called me today. They have modified his chemo-cocktail, and he's feeling much better for right now. I doubt the odds are especially good, but every day counts, as it should with the rest of us as well, right?

The luxury of no drama

Today has been a regular day.

My appointments have gone well. I enjoyed some leftover pasta salad at home and topped it off with a piece of kladdkaka (gooey brownies) and coffee (which I had flavored with cinnamon).

I even had my sunglasses on for about 5 minutes while driving; until new clouds came rolling in, but that's OK - Hearing the birds chirp you know that spring is in the air. Please East Coast: do not send any more snow over here!

My favorite part of the day (so far): eating breakfast together as a family and walking my kids to school.

What I am looking forward to for the rest of today: picking my kids up from daycare and walking home with them, followed by my Body Balance class this evening, and to top it off, hanging out with my husband, watching TV and talking in bed when I come home again.

Schoolbell

At my daughter's school they use an old-fashioned brass school bell when it's time for school to start. I think that's cool, in a Little-House-on-the-Prairieish sort of way.

Breakdown to breakthrough

Last week I taught a class where I incorporated handstands for the first time. Handstands can be scary stuff so we go through it step by step, and the point is to find your edge and ask yourself if you can move forward from there. Sometimes it's a yes - sometimes it's a no. That's why our theme, which was working through fear, demands complete honesty and working up to your goal slowly and with focus.

One of the girls was on her way up to handstand with me assisting, when she all of sudden let go and fell to the floor. It happens. I have fallen on my face more times than I would care to count. This particular yogi's first reaction was that her shoulders were too weak. I think that was something her fear told her, but this is her journey.

I had another class directly after, so I didn't have a chance to talk to her afterwards. She came to my class yesterday. We talked a little about her shoulders, and I told her that we weren't going to be doing any arm balances this time, instead we would focus on backbends. Watching her during the class, it was like she was a different person. Throughout all the poses she made so many fantastic, small adjustments based on my instructions which was completely new.

Afterwards I had to tell her what a great job she did. She smiled, and said that she told herself that today she would really listen.

I could not ask for a greater lesson to be learned, and once again it inspires me to sharpen my hearing as well. No handstand in the world beats that.