Quiet revolution (or maybe even an evolution?)

It's no secret that I have issues with the (Catholic) God I was raised to worship.

So I'm no longer a churchgoer. And even though I feel at peace with my present faith, I'm still uncomfortable when it comes to prayer. I can't stand feeling helplessly feeble when faced with making requests (because, honestly, that's what praying is all about, right?). I find the powerlessness associated with placing one's fate in the hands of what will hopefully be a benevolent, supreme power disheartening.

I'm not talking about winning Lotto or finding a great parking space. It's about dealing with the heartwrenching emotions I experience when I hear or read about yet another atrocity of our so-called civilization. It's about desperate appeals expressed when witnessing a highway accident scene and seeing medics treat a person laid out on the asphalt. It's about desperately wanting to find the right way to meet with parents while fitting a wheelchair to their terminally ill teenage son.

I want so badly to be able to do something about, but I can't! And I can't see how my begging for things to be different will make any difference.

Or so I thought...

...for something shifted within me while meditating a couple of weeks ago. I was following Jack Kornfield's forgiveness meditation, and suddenly his words resonated with me. Forgiveness is a practice, meaning that it's not a permanent state of "either/or". Again, being raised Catholic, I know a thing or two about guilt and sin, which is perhaps why I feel incredibly inept at forgiving. But what this means is that I can gradually work at it, build it up, and when I take two steps back, I can try again.

And then it hit me - that's what all this softening-the-heart-stuff means! It's not about obtaining perfection or being otherworldly! So I'm like, OK, I can do that; that is, do what I can to the best of my present ability... And it was like a load was lifted from my shoulders.

It triggered a memory of something else I had read (not that I can remember where I read it). Anyhow, it had to with how our thoughts and feelings, the softening of our hearts, are powerful enough to change our energy. And, in turn, that energy affects the energy around us, and in effect, the energy of the universe.

So by "praying", I am not asking - I am doing! And even though I may not be able to personally solve all issues, heal others, alleviate pain, I can at least do my part by having the warmest of intentions. I can open my heart, and hopefully my feelings of compassion will reverberate to my surroundings the same way one candle can light a thousand others...

Accessibility

It's there, and it's not as hard to reach as you might think. It's not buried within secret rituals shrouded by ancient tongues. You don't have to have a master or even master it. Granted, reading some literature and practicing a number of times will most certainly guide you; still, it's something you actually, for real, can do in the comfort of your own home.

There's no one keeping tabs on how much or how little you do. No scales. No final exam.

I am finally getting more and more into meditation. My practice is still somewhat sporadic, but I sense that I am finally opening up to something - something larger than myself.

There was an excellent article by Sally Kempton in this month's issue of "Yoga Journal" with a brief introduction to various "core" meditation practices. Among these she mentioned the "self-inquiry" method, and my lightbulb lit up. That's the one where I ask my silence for advice! Kempton encourages us to find the type of meditation that suits us to use as a "core" practice, and then spice it up now and then by experimenting with the other techniques.

Yesterday, I set my clock half-an-hour earilier. It was raining, but still mild enough that I could sit out on the porch. I listened to the rain splatter against the windows and felt the hint-of-autumn's-arrival-breeze caress my skin. Since I didn't have any particular issue to ponder, I simply asked my silence, "What do I need to know?"

For the most part, I just experienced stillness. A couple of minutes before my timer was about to go off, a gentle gust of wind gently blew a couple tresses across my cheek. I thought I heard in that instant, "Enjoy life."

Wishful thinking?

Who knows?!

Does it really matter?

I decided that in whichever case, I was going to make an effort to utilize that small piece of wisdom.

Picture from Google

Bring it on...?

Here's a news flash - Life is insanely busy! Yeah, like, what else is new?!

So life is insanely busy, yet again. And the bottom line is that I'm getting exactly what I asked for. Every aspect that is demanding my attention is of my own making. Which makes me somewhat of a mad scientist, I know.

The solution? Other than falling into a coma - sorry, no Snow-White-apples or Sleeping-Beauty-spinning-wheels found on E-bay last I checked - all I can think to do is to suck it up and stick it out.

And prioritize. Keep the wheels in motion. Stay healthy (even mentally = HUGE challenge).

Accept living with things being "good enough".

Decide which attitude I'm going to have.

Break down and cry if necessary, just not in front of the kids.

I'm lucky to have so much to do. Certain things have recently arisen and come to me that go far beyond my dreams.

Will my tactics work?

I have no friggin' idea.

But, hey, that's life.

To my dear friend, C: I wrote this in my head before I read your entry today. Trust me, I know what you're going through. Jag hoppas att ljuset i tunneln snart visar sig för dig. KRAM

My thoughts on building a mosque close to Ground Zero

Here's what I think:

• The TERRORISTS responsible for the atrocities of 9/11 should be tried and punished to the fullest extent of the law.


• The actual Ground Zero site should remain as a symbol for our sorrow as a well as a reminder of the preciousness of life and our need for solidarity.


• Muslim fanatics do not and should not serve as representatives for Islam on the whole.


• While I agree that violent acts committed in the name of Islam are often reported in the media, I choose to believe (in an optimistic act of faith) that the vast majority of Muslims neither condone nor do they in any way wish to be associated with such acts.

In other words, I choose to believe that the vast majority of Muslims are not so different than anyone else. My children go to school with Muslim children. If these children were in NYC along with their families and decided to visit a mosque that happened to be in the vicinity of Ground Zero, I wouldn't see any problem in that.

Again, this is solely an expression of MY opinion.

Coerced non-violence

This is actually kind of funny.

For starters, I am a real-life yogi. That means that I have by no means transcended to an especially divine level of existence. That being said, I am the first to admit that although I naturally believe in the yogic principle of ahimsa, meaning non-violence, there are just as naturally some minor exceptions to that rule.

Yesterday when I rolled out my mat in my bedroom, I noticed a fly flying about. Realizing that this guy was only going to land on me the second I was still, I decided he best be on his way to the other realm before I got started. Since the fly swatter was upstairs I rolled up my issue of Yoga Journal (which I know is sacreligious!) and decided to flatten him once and for all.

First I couldn't find him. And when I finally did: A swing and a miss! *damn*

"Ok, screw it," I thought and got started on my session. Lo and behold he hung out on my white closet for a while before going back to buzzing around me. So I paused between sequences and tried to nail him again as he sat on my overnight bag that lay beside my mat. Strike two!

"Whatever!" So I go back to doing yoga, and I figure that before I lie in savasana for my final relaxation I better end this once and for all. At this point, however, he wasn't anywhere to be found.

"I surrender." At this point, I could honestly see the irony in my actions and could do nothing other than laugh at myself. Sure enough, as I lay spread out on the floor, Mr. Fly landed first on my leg, and then my wrist, and then my hand... I figured I could use this opportunity for some vispassana inspired meditation, where you allow all sensations to be a part of your experience. So everytime he landed on me I thought silently to myself, "Fly on ankle. Fly on wrist. Fly on hand." And so on.

Once finished, I got up to turn off my music, and all of the sudden there he was: right on my white nightstand table, next to my cd-player.

With a smile on my lips, I turned off my music and left.

Crossroads

The pendelum can really swing in lightning speed from delight to despair. I think I'm at a crossroads and in withdrawal simultaneously. Interesting combination (written with a thick dose of irony).

So what am I learning, if anything?

Time off from the computer and shopping is starting to open my eyes as to how I am really feeling, and it's giving me the OPPORTUNITY TO FEEL IT. Sometimes fun, like when you see the beauty that surrounds you in everyday life and realize just how lucky you are to be alive, but far from always. As I wrote in my last entry, FEAR uninvitedly made herself at home recently, demanding much of my attention, but she's gone now and has been replaced by a stone on my chest named DREAD.

Now that I've admitted to myself that mindless Internet surfing and impulse shopping are just a way of filling a void with a temporary, surgary fix, you know, the kind that offers instant gratification and a quick burst of vitality soon to be replaced by crippling lethargy and lacking any form of nutrition, I can't go back to doing what I've been doing. So even if the thought of creating CHANGE entails dusting off FEAR and DREAD from the back of my emotional closet and bringing them out into broad daylight, I don't feel I have any choice; HONESTY has also gotten a hold of me and refuses to allow me to continue fooling myself into believing that I need my fixes in order to feel good.

HONESTY has placed me in front of my closet, filled to the brim with gorgeous clothes (most of them worn on perhaps one or two occasions at most). She asks me what more can possibly be on the racks of any given store that will offer me any more satisfaction than that I already own? She demands that I remind myself of how pleased I was when I found the garments, as though I were freakin-Columbus-discovering-America-himself, the same garments that now are lying deserted and forgotten in piles of lifeless fabric.

So getting back to DREAD: right now she's made herself all comfortable as though she were propping her feet up with a tub of Ben & Jerry's on her lap at the start of a SYTYCD marathon; in other words - she ain't goin' nowhere.

Because I really dread the hard work that lies ahead while I figure out a new direction.

On the other hand, there's no way I'm going to let DREAD drain me of my will to live my life to the fullest. So my only option is to actually get started.

And for that I'm GRATEFUL.

Picture from Google

Feeling of the day = FEAR

I'm considering changing paths. For years I've toyed with the idea every now and then, but call it part of having turned 40, now more than ever it seems as though it's more or less now or never.

For the time being I'm just throwing out some hooks. But that alone was enough to send me into a near panic mentally earlier today. When I started the warm up part of my mat session, I felt completely numbed by FEAR. I had no idea that FEAR had such a stranglehold on me. Above all, it's my FEAR of sacrificing economical security that's paralyzing me from taking action. It's my need for 100% guarantees that I won't screw up that is keeping me prisoner.

I hadn't quite realized what a debilitating effect FEAR had on my actions. Naturally FEAR'S strongest ally is DESIRE who uses her siren-like power to distract me from trying to transform my dreams to goals.

That's why I think my exercise in not buying stuff is just what I need if I'm ever going to manage shifting paradigms. By not distracting myself, or rather, by not stressing myself with endless consumption, be it material or virtual, I am giving myself the opportunity to find fulfillment in other areas.

And if I'm somehow able to find out a way to earn a living while being able to maintain a practice that allows me daytime workouts, well then maybe it's time...

Picture from Google