Crossroads

The pendelum can really swing in lightning speed from delight to despair. I think I'm at a crossroads and in withdrawal simultaneously. Interesting combination (written with a thick dose of irony).

So what am I learning, if anything?

Time off from the computer and shopping is starting to open my eyes as to how I am really feeling, and it's giving me the OPPORTUNITY TO FEEL IT. Sometimes fun, like when you see the beauty that surrounds you in everyday life and realize just how lucky you are to be alive, but far from always. As I wrote in my last entry, FEAR uninvitedly made herself at home recently, demanding much of my attention, but she's gone now and has been replaced by a stone on my chest named DREAD.

Now that I've admitted to myself that mindless Internet surfing and impulse shopping are just a way of filling a void with a temporary, surgary fix, you know, the kind that offers instant gratification and a quick burst of vitality soon to be replaced by crippling lethargy and lacking any form of nutrition, I can't go back to doing what I've been doing. So even if the thought of creating CHANGE entails dusting off FEAR and DREAD from the back of my emotional closet and bringing them out into broad daylight, I don't feel I have any choice; HONESTY has also gotten a hold of me and refuses to allow me to continue fooling myself into believing that I need my fixes in order to feel good.

HONESTY has placed me in front of my closet, filled to the brim with gorgeous clothes (most of them worn on perhaps one or two occasions at most). She asks me what more can possibly be on the racks of any given store that will offer me any more satisfaction than that I already own? She demands that I remind myself of how pleased I was when I found the garments, as though I were freakin-Columbus-discovering-America-himself, the same garments that now are lying deserted and forgotten in piles of lifeless fabric.

So getting back to DREAD: right now she's made herself all comfortable as though she were propping her feet up with a tub of Ben & Jerry's on her lap at the start of a SYTYCD marathon; in other words - she ain't goin' nowhere.

Because I really dread the hard work that lies ahead while I figure out a new direction.

On the other hand, there's no way I'm going to let DREAD drain me of my will to live my life to the fullest. So my only option is to actually get started.

And for that I'm GRATEFUL.

Picture from Google