Quiet revolution (or maybe even an evolution?)

It's no secret that I have issues with the (Catholic) God I was raised to worship.

So I'm no longer a churchgoer. And even though I feel at peace with my present faith, I'm still uncomfortable when it comes to prayer. I can't stand feeling helplessly feeble when faced with making requests (because, honestly, that's what praying is all about, right?). I find the powerlessness associated with placing one's fate in the hands of what will hopefully be a benevolent, supreme power disheartening.

I'm not talking about winning Lotto or finding a great parking space. It's about dealing with the heartwrenching emotions I experience when I hear or read about yet another atrocity of our so-called civilization. It's about desperate appeals expressed when witnessing a highway accident scene and seeing medics treat a person laid out on the asphalt. It's about desperately wanting to find the right way to meet with parents while fitting a wheelchair to their terminally ill teenage son.

I want so badly to be able to do something about, but I can't! And I can't see how my begging for things to be different will make any difference.

Or so I thought...

...for something shifted within me while meditating a couple of weeks ago. I was following Jack Kornfield's forgiveness meditation, and suddenly his words resonated with me. Forgiveness is a practice, meaning that it's not a permanent state of "either/or". Again, being raised Catholic, I know a thing or two about guilt and sin, which is perhaps why I feel incredibly inept at forgiving. But what this means is that I can gradually work at it, build it up, and when I take two steps back, I can try again.

And then it hit me - that's what all this softening-the-heart-stuff means! It's not about obtaining perfection or being otherworldly! So I'm like, OK, I can do that; that is, do what I can to the best of my present ability... And it was like a load was lifted from my shoulders.

It triggered a memory of something else I had read (not that I can remember where I read it). Anyhow, it had to with how our thoughts and feelings, the softening of our hearts, are powerful enough to change our energy. And, in turn, that energy affects the energy around us, and in effect, the energy of the universe.

So by "praying", I am not asking - I am doing! And even though I may not be able to personally solve all issues, heal others, alleviate pain, I can at least do my part by having the warmest of intentions. I can open my heart, and hopefully my feelings of compassion will reverberate to my surroundings the same way one candle can light a thousand others...