Pride isn't always stupid. It's a great quality I wish more than anything to instill in my kids (along with compassion, empathy, and self-worth/love). Owning a sense of self-confidence is crucial if you want to get anywhere in this world, be it within one's work, lovelife, or journey towards self-discovery.
But I've noticed that lately my pride is limiting me. Since my pride whispers to my ego that I can do it all, I've been trying to live up to that myth, leading a S&M lifestyle (with more M than S), and now I can admit that the harder I try the worse things are getting. My priorities have been kids and work. I think I've managed those pretty OK under the circumstances. I haven't been as good at taking care of my self (deliberate splitting of word myself), house- and gardenwork, or my husband. There's simply no time nor energy left for that.
For years I scoffed at the idea of hiring a cleaning lady (or why not man in worn Levi's, barebreasted - no, wait, that's the poolboy fantasy - sorry...). Now, it's a no brainer. Just like paying for a babysitter tonight so that P and I can go out for dinner.
But those were easy choices to make since I a) had no other solution, and b) nobody has to know about them but myself (although I guess I screwed up keeping my inept weakness a secret now, huh?). It's hard sometimes to be honest, and writing this little blog forces me to scrutinize myself, both the good and the bad. I try my best to be honest (although it's not 100% possible to write all thoughts down for public cyberviewing) and include the good with the bad.
What's interesting is that when I reach out and humbly admit to my shortcomings, the responses I receive are always surprisingly positive. So by reaching out I gain strength, and sometimes it comes from the most unexpected sources. Instead of feeling weak and stupid, I end up feeling humble, warm, and like I matter. If I hadn't reached out, then no one would have had any way of knowing what was up with me, and I would never have gotten any reaction.
What greater gift is there than knowing that others care about little, old me?
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