Topic 7 - My Best Friend

What am I, 10?

Sorry, I'm 40.

Although I do wish I still had the kind of best friend one has when one is 10. Nothing beats juicy girl talk.

But finding die-hard girlfriends isn't easy for me. I used to have a handful, pretty good, mostly long-distance girlfriends, but after tiring of being the one who always called first, I decided that a sustainable friendship should be based on mutual interest and initiative.

The few that I have today, albeit not quite as intimate as in SATC, are ones that I truly value. At the same time, all I hope for is to enjoy them on a day-to-day basis, without expecting nor demanding too much. And that's OK as long as my life is OK. Should I end up in an emotional gutter, I honestly don't know who'd I would or could call.

So what else is there?

Naturally my husband is falls into the category 'best friend', as long as I'm not mad at him...

My cat is a really comforting friend, that is, if he's in the mood to snuggle...

I have some great colleagues, mostly guys, and while we laugh alot, there's a limit as to what topics we can discuss!

And sure, I'm lucky to have my four siblings, but they HAVE TO be nice to me!

What's left then?

Here's something I'll never forget; something my childhood friend's mother once sternly asked with (pointing index finger and everything) :

Friend's Mom: Judie Moss, who is your best friend?!

Me: I dunno...G?

Friend's Mom: YOU are your own best friend, young lady!

And that small piece of wisdom has stuck with me for the past 30 years. And the truth of those words are my mantra today.

Still, if anyone is interested in being a BFF, or a BF For Right Now, or just a F that feels like going for some latte, just say the word.

Topic V: What is LOVE?

I doubt I'm in any way qualified to answer this question. That is, if you want an answer filled with universal wisdom of any sort.

Still, it is an interesting question, and I've had a difficult time trying to come up with a coherent answer. To be frank, I still don't have an answer. But then I realized that I was trying to find a way to narrow down my definition until it was both airtight and waterproof, only to discover that I am not capable of pure, undying, and unconditional love. I feel that as a human, knowing how thoughts, feelings, and life circumstances are constantly changing, that even my deepest feelings about love can also suffer from impermanence.

Which is a drag, I know. At least that's what I was thinking to myself as I grabbed my mug to pour myself a cup of coffee. I grabbed my favorite mug, one with I [heart] NY printed on it, and I instantly thought, "God, I love this mug." Followed immediately by my thinking, "and, God, I LOVE my morning cup of coffee!"

My internal Swedish voice wanted to scold me for so flagrantly using the term love to describe how I felt in the above statements. That's one criticism Americans get from (some) Swedes: that we are superficial because we use words and expressions like "love" and "how are you" without genuinely meaning it.

The thing is, when I drink my morning coffee out of my favorite mug, at that particular moment I am as close to experiencing bliss as I can come. So I put a gag on my internal Swedish voice and wondered instead, "What else do I love?"

Instantly, a picture of Ben & Jerry's popped into my head (big surprise).

Lighting the candles in the lanterns I have hanging on my porch this dreary, rainy, November morning.

Silence.

Yoga, or rather, how yoga makes me feel after a session on the mat.

Ocean waves.

Hearing my children and husband laugh.

You see, once I broadened my definition to include anything that brings me joy instead of excluding everything that was less than perfect, finding a definition of love that I could live with suddenly became easy.

Topic IV - What I ate today...

For those who may or may not be keeping count, I skipped Topic #3: my parents.

Moving on...

Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day. I eat the same breakfast just about every day, but since I had to hit the road early today, I skipped my usual soft boiled egg with caviar.

Otherwise, I drank a glass of freshly pressed orange juice to wash down my mulitvitamin, glucosamine tablets, and artic root tablet. While a pot of coffee was brewing, I poured some milk over my bowl of shredded wheat, müsli, and flaxseed combo. Usually I add a handful of blueberries from this summer's harvest, but since they're frozen I didn't want to wake up the kids by using the microwave.

Poured some coffee (light and sweet, just like me?) into my Starbuck's thermos to drink on my drive to Skåne.

I had clinical workshops today, so I bought apple-cinnamon cake for my customers and helped myself to a piece around 10:30 A.M. For lunch I only had about 20 minutes, so I'm afraid that Chef Ronald once again made my lunch: two cheeseburgers, Tropicana orange juice, and a medium latte.

Another small piece of cake around 2:30.

Then on my drive home I found a bottle of strawberry oat-drink that I had forgotten about - YUM. Also, I had bought two pouches of apple slices while at McD's that I washed down with a bottle of water.

For dinner, my kids were starved, so I made one of their favorites: smoked pork-pancake (more like an omelette made in the oven) along with cloudberries mixed with sugar. Drink: water.

Not my proudest day as far as my culinary habits go, but both honest and pretty typical...

Topic II - My First Love

I hope my daughter gets to experience her "first love" the same way I did. Oddly enough, I look more fondly back upon my first love, than I do the four-year relationship I had with the guy I was living with up until I met P.

I was 16. He was 17. There must be something about capricorns with a wry sense of humor, because that's what attracted me to this guy, and it just so happens that my husband shares those exact same qualities. Also, he was the strong, silent type, just like my husband.

We were friends first. So when it was time to take things to "the next level", I was emotionally ready because at that point, we were truly in love. I have absolutely no regrets.

The following year, I started college, and eventually I wanted to see other people. I was all about convention, and wanted to follow the plan mapped out for me, but my boyfriend didn't see his future that way. He followed his own path which I had a hard time accepting. That, and I was on my own for the first time in my life and curious as to what was out there.

And so what do I end up doing? You guessed it; I moved to Europe. So much for convention.

Thirty days...discuss!

Ok, a list is circulating on the web with 30 personal topics to blog about. I'm in the midst of a severe case of "Blogger's block", so I thought a challenge like this sounded like fun. You remember what fun is, right? I'm not sure I'll manage 30 days in a row, but I'm going to try!

Day 1: Allow me to introduce myself...

A woman with several hats: wife, mother, physical therapist, sales rep, clinical trainer, yoga student, yoga instructor...

...or rather, a woman who juggles between her different hats, hoping to one day figure out who she is so that she can go hatless, and still keep everything in motion.

I'm still in love. It was definitely lust at first sight way back in 1992. The best part today is grossing my kids out by kissing my husband in front of them.

My children are my oxygen; they sustain me. And yet I can't wait to see how they shape their own lives when they are no longer dependant on my husband and me. I hope I can help them to become happy and secure individuals as well as compassionate citizens. I hope they can look back on their childhood with joy.

I wish, however, I had more patience with my family. My hugest fallback is being overly sensitive. I could use lessons in chillin'.

I'm much better one-on-one than in groups, unless I have a leading role, such as teacher. Why? Because I'm basically a pretty shy person.

So I have very few close friends. I used to be the "nice" person who gave more than she took. Now I'm only interested in relationships that offer some sort of balance.

I've always been interested in staying in shape, but I am hopeless at getting my butt in gear. What to do? Find a profession that encourages me to keep on moving - physical therapy. And to really keep me moving I became a group-training instructor because that forced me to the gym, and later on, to my mat.

Yoga is my beacon. Yoga found me when I was ready for it. Yoga has been patient and met me where I am, and taken me to the next level when I've reached the point that I am ready to move on. My physical practice is still a big part of my well-being, but I find myself more and more drawn to using yoga to create inner peace.

My work offers me a way to "do some good", and it in turn I get the chance to feel good about it. And many times it teaches me perspective.

For example, I was mistaken in my previous entry. The young man with cancer whose father had written to me had passed away on November 6th. Even though pain is a relative concept, when I am once again reminded about life's fragility, it only makes me want to appreciate what I have even more.

And one thing I love about life is laughter. I love irony (as does my husband). As well asSNL from the 80's, which is why I had to include a picture from "Coffee Talk" in this entry.

Picture from Google

What to say?

Today I received an e-mail from the father of a young patient I met this past summer. His 19-year old son is dying from a brain tumor. When I was contacted by their consultant I managed to book in a wheelchair fitting just a couple of days afterwards.

When faced with a case like this, I feel utterly compelled to GET IT RIGHT. There are no second chances. If I manage to utilize my knowledge within my field to in any way ease this family's burden, then there is for me no greater satisfaction professionally. Equally important, however, is getting past the anguish attached to the gruesome combination of youth, cancer, and dying.

Very simply, I wanted to relay to them every ounce of empathy I could offer without becoming overbearingly sympathetic. I wanted to share with them my feelings of compassion without violating their integrity. Most of all, I wanted them to feel that they neither were on display nor were they to be shunned for having drawn the shortest straw imaginable...

The fitting went well. The tone was open yet unemotional. We focused on the problem at hand and worked our way towards finding a solution. They were able to leave the same afternoon with the wheelchair I had brought. At that time I had no idea how much time remained.

He's still alive. The father had sent the e-mail to thank me and to share with me a few ideas he had about our product. Overall they were still very satisfied with their wheelchair which gladdened me.

But now comes the tough part. I have been racking my brains trying to figure out how to respond to his e-mail, which really warmed my heart, without sounding either pompous or pathetic. Yet I want it to be honest.

So I started by hugging my kids a few extra times tonight. All day and all evening I had tried writing a reply in my head to no avail. That's when I decided to share this on my blog. And once again, just going through my thoughts and putting words to them seems to have freed the words I needed. The ones I believe (and hope) will appropriately answer sum up how I truly feel:

I am happy that the chair is working out for you, but most of all I hope YOU AND YOUR FAMILY are doing as well as possible.

Why is it so hard to be human sometimes?