A pause from chasing rainbows

The funk continues, and quite frankly, I'm sick of it. And I'm frustrated with myself for feeling the way I feel which is unfulfilled.

The problem is: I like nice things.

In other words, I like to go shopping, especially for clothes. Even though I thrive on finding great sales, I tend to follow the time-old addage: The more you buy, the more you save!

I like caffe latte.

I like taking courses and workshops.

I like being able to book vacations in warm places.

And so on...

In order to enable myself to lead this lifestyle, I at times subject myself to living in a hamster wheel. And it's spinning more and more. And I'm getting dizzy.

All the while I have the memory of my new year's resolution resounding in my brain, the resolution I really took great time and effort in forming - making what I have work. Although I feel sometimes tempted to leave my profession, that's just not an option. But in order to find some peace of mind I've decided to attempt a small experiment, effective as of August 1st, just to see what happens:

* No Internet (except for private e-mail and writing blog entries should the need arise) for 1 week.

* No shopping for anything other than bare necessities for 1 month.

This is because my willpower dissolves the minute I sit down with my laptop. I can easily disappear in a cyberic-stupor for 2-3 hours without blinking after a long, hard workday/-week. And when I'm bored, I start hunting for things that I "truly" believe might fill that void (but, really, who are we kidding?).

I noticed while sitting in my car for 4½ hours yesterday, how hard it was for me to maintain a single train of thought. Chaos of the mind, pure and simple. But I perservered and came up with a plan to create structure within my physical practice. And hopefully with the time I won't be wasting online or "in-store" for the coming weeks, maybe I'll be able to clean house and somehow start to excavate that joy that so many wise people claim we posess within our hearts.

I started yesterday with a 90 minute mat session at the studio I use. Through the gauze curtains I noticed the murals painted on the outside of the neighboring Thai restaurant. Although blurry, it appeared that the bird depicted in the paintings was just as beautiful regardless if she sat in a voluminous, leafy tree or alone on a naked branch. (I know it's not easy to see, but just trust me on this one.)

OK, it's not like I'm getting ready to join a nudist movement, nor am I about to abandon the material world and live in a cave (!), but perhaps I received a signal that I don't need all these nice things to be beautiful after all? Because all I can say is that I don't feel beautiful having them...

...because it never seems to be enough.