I remember from my when I guess I was about ten, that my mom was going to go on a retreat by herself. Curious, I asked her what one does on a retreat? She explained that it's a quiet place you go to so that God can talk to you. Upon hearing that, I so wanted to be able to go, too. Imagine God talking directly to me! That would make life so much easier!!
I grew up in a Roman Catholic family. You went to church every Sunday, without exception. We learned to recite prayers, and most of our evenings ended with us reciting them together before going to bed. I really yearned to find some sort of sprituality, already as a young child. I read bible stories, got involved in youth groups, participated in church plays. Yet I did most of it out of duty, because we were taught that sinners when to hell.
Prayers were either about wishing for something I didn't have or asking forgiveness so as not to end up on St. Peter's "naughty list" should we unexpectedly end up in front of his pearly gates. We were taught to do as we were told without question. Even after moving to Sweden I felt compelled to at least go to Christmas and Easter mass.
My turning point came about 15 years ago, while seated in a pew towards the back end of the dome catherdral in Kalmar. It was Easter mass, and the priest was offering his prayer to the Lord, proclaiming that we were not worthy of Him. That's when my cup runneth over, and I left. I haven't been back since.
Now in meditation, I realize that I am in fact praying, praying to my silence, as I call it. Nowadays my prayers consist of requests for guidance, tools to aid me in my quest towards the divinity within my soul. At first I thought I was just alone with my thoughts, but now I tend to believe that there actually is a universal benevolence with limitless love and intelligence. It offers me answers.
For the first time in my life, I feel as though God is talking to me.
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