For those who know me (and/or this blog), you may or may not have noticed that guilt to me is like an old, cranky relative that you can't stand, but whom you have to put up with since it's part of who you are. So anything positive almost always includes a "Yeah, but" clause, and this visit to Stockholm is no different...
In "Part I" I joyfully listed all the positive aspects ofcoming here. I love being able to relax, recharge, and simply be able to focus on myself...as well as being able to continue on my journey towards self-authenticity.
On the other hand, what my choices entail are leaving my husband along with our two kids (plus cat) for 6 days. Not only do I miss them, I can't BE THERE for them other than the occasional phone call. Naturally, one of them gets sick; this time it was my daughter who caught a (albeit mild) 24-hour stomach bug. No vomitting, thank goodness, but the poor little thing had to constantly sprint for the bathroom all day Thursday. Today she was feeling better, but just to play it safe she stayed home from school for a second day.
Alone. In my bed. With the TV and cat to keep her company and soup she had to warm for herself in the microwave. All the while her mother tried feebly to "mother" from afar as best she could. And all the while my guilt-demons are doing a happy, little jig, jeering at me as I try to restrain from beating myself up for being so selfish and egotistical.
And I'm sure there's a lot of people, especially parents, who might think it serves me right. For them being a parent is their 24-7 call of duty, and being yourself is what you do once the kids have left the nest (unless they start having kids that you suddenly have to grandparent 24-7...). And I'm not judging them one bit; I think it's a choice everyone makes for themselves.
As for me, I don't see myself as just being a mother, a professional, or a wife. I want to be ME in addition to all those other things (which I, by the way, signed up for all by myself, thank you very much...). But in doing so, I find myself forced to work for it and compromising is essential.
Which brings me to Debbie Allen.... My girlfriend Maria has a workout top with "Miss Grant's" famous quote written on the inside. I just changed the word fame to "self-discovery":
- So you got dreams; you want (self-discovery). Well (self-discovery) costs, and right here is where you start paying, in sweat (even if it's mental sweat we're talking about).
Anyhow, that's the choice I've made. And I will continue on, trying to find the balance, going at it one day at a time, and always make a point of showing those dearest to me how much I love them.
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