Have you ever tried to put on eyeshadow while holding back tears?
The past couple of days have been pretty emotional for me. The past month has brought with it news of people within my personal sphere being stricken both directly and indirectly by cancer: a friend of a friend, a friend from afar, and now, lastly, the child of a friend. I can’t hug any of them from where I am sitting. And I'm feeling so conflicted because I know that I should be praying, but I want to be able to do it in a way that will make a positive difference. In order to give, there must be a receiver. And just how will the receiver be able to accept the gift of prayer if it is given unbeknownst to them?
I’ve written an earlier entry about my hangups when it comes to prayer. No doubt, I have issues when it comes to acceptance. Yes, I understand that there can be no light without darkness, but this degree of random injustice is so distressing. As much as I support the idea that certain things happen for a reason, I draw the line here. I want to file a complaint with someone in charge.
The problem is I don’t see God as a “person”. After all, what role would he portray? The customer service manager for the universe? A switchboard operator who relays messages from pray-er to pray-ee? A call-in DJ waiting for caller #1,937,299,920 to have their wish granted? When I was 10, a friend of mine had followed along with me to church school. To this day, I remember her asking the reverend (this is when we were temporarily Episcopalian), almost pleading, to explain to her why her puppy had to die, even though she had prayed and prayed for its survival? Of course, he had no good answer, at least not one that our 10-year-old logic could grasp. I wonder if whatever he said then would have resonated differently with us now?
Back then, I never questioned the traditions of the Church. Today I follow another kind of ideology. It’s not that I don’t have faith, that I do. I believe in the benevolence of the Universe. I believe in the divinity of the Self and the interconnectedness of all Life. When it comes to pain and tragedy being an intricate part of Life, even if I have been spared the worst Fate has to offer, I still have to look no further than today’s newspaper to understand that it’s everywhere.
Still, I just can’t wrap my head around that when I’ve decided to NOT accept the adversity, that there is nothing more that I can do than...pray. Even though I’ve recently encountered humbling lessons on acceptance in my yoga, and I understand the necessity of channelling energy productively, I can’t help but to continue to rack my brains every waking moment in an effort to figure out something more that I could be doing.
I've finally compiled short list; you might call it a pretty modest list. But it’s a start.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. ~ Lao-Tzu
Start off with my brother. I'm pretty sure he must be involved in some sort of higher power up there...oh did he love conversation!! Without pain I don't believe you could ever experience joy. I still believe in God even through the tragedy of dealing with John's death did rock me to my core. I think I experience God differently through people touching our lives in simple everyday humanity. There are no reasons for cancer...just being dealt with a bad hand. Going through Dad's cancer treatment last year was really tough, scary, and heartbreaking. I learned valuable lessons those four months and Dad and I became even closer than we already were. We learned that we really both needed each other so much that we learned to lean on one another for strength. I think your message was clear in your blog...you are praying that they know you ache along with them even though you can't wrap your arms around them. Be strong and keep praying...
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