Thursday, September 30, 2010

Quiet revolution (or maybe even an evolution?)


It's no secret that I have issues with the (Catholic) God I was raised to worship.

So I'm no longer a churchgoer. And even though I feel at peace with my present faith, I'm still uncomfortable when it comes to prayer. I can't stand feeling helplessly feeble when faced with making requests (because, honestly, that's what praying is all about, right?). I find the powerlessness associated with placing one's fate in the hands of what will hopefully be a benevolent, supreme power disheartening.

I'm not talking about winning Lotto or finding a great parking space. It's about dealing with the heartwrenching emotions I experience when I hear or read about yet another atrocity of our so-called civilization. It's about desperate appeals expressed when witnessing a highway accident scene and seeing medics treat a person laid out on the asphalt. It's about desperately wanting to find the right way to meet with parents while fitting a wheelchair to their terminally ill teenage son.

I want so badly to be able to do something about, but I can't! And I can't see how my begging for things to be different will make any difference.

Or so I thought...

...for something shifted within me while meditating a couple of weeks ago. I was following Jack Kornfield's forgiveness meditation, and suddenly his words resonated with me. Forgiveness is a practice, meaning that it's not a permanent state of "either/or". Again, being raised Catholic, I know a thing or two about guilt and sin, which is perhaps why I feel incredibly inept at forgiving. But what this means is that I can gradually work at it, build it up, and when I take two steps back, I can try again.

And then it hit me - that's what all this softening-the-heart-stuff means! It's not about obtaining perfection or being otherworldly! So I'm like, OK, I can do that; that is, do what I can to the best of my present ability... And it was like a load was lifted from my shoulders.

It triggered a memory of something else I had read (not that I can remember where I read it). Anyhow, it had to with how our thoughts and feelings, the softening of our hearts, are powerful enough to change our energy. And, in turn, that energy affects the energy around us, and in effect, the energy of the universe.

So by "praying", I am not asking - I am doing! And even though I may not be able to personally solve all issues, heal others, alleviate pain, I can at least do my part by having the warmest of intentions. I can open my heart, and hopefully my feelings of compassion will reverberate to my surroundings the same way one candle can light a thousand others...

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Accessibility


It's there, and it's not as hard to reach as you might think. It's not buried within secret rituals shrouded by ancient tongues. You don't have to have a master or even master it. Granted, reading some literature and practicing a number of times will most certainly guide you; still, it's something you actually, for real, can do in the comfort of your own home.

There's no one keeping tabs on how much or how little you do. No scales. No final exam.

I am finally getting more and more into meditation. My practice is still somewhat sporadic, but I sense that I am finally opening up to something - something larger than myself.

There was an excellent article by Sally Kempton in this month's issue of "Yoga Journal" with a brief introduction to various "core" meditation practices. Among these she mentioned the "self-inquiry" method, and my lightbulb lit up. That's the one where I ask my silence for advice! Kempton encourages us to find the type of meditation that suits us to use as a "core" practice, and then spice it up now and then by experimenting with the other techniques.

Yesterday, I set my clock half-an-hour earilier. It was raining, but still mild enough that I could sit out on the porch. I listened to the rain splatter against the windows and felt the hint-of-autumn's-arrival-breeze caress my skin. Since I didn't have any particular issue to ponder, I simply asked my silence, "What do I need to know?"

For the most part, I just experienced stillness. A couple of minutes before my timer was about to go off, a gentle gust of wind gently blew a couple tresses across my cheek. I thought I heard in that instant, "Enjoy life."

Wishful thinking?

Who knows?!

Does it really matter?

I decided that in whichever case, I was going to make an effort to utilize that small piece of wisdom.


Picture from Google

Monday, September 6, 2010

Bring it on...?



Here's a news flash - Life is insanely busy! Yeah, like, what else is new?!

So life is insanely busy, yet again. And the bottom line is that I'm getting exactly what I asked for. Every aspect that is demanding my attention is of my own making. Which makes me somewhat of a mad scientist, I know.

The solution? Other than falling into a coma - sorry, no Snow-White-apples or Sleeping-Beauty-spinning-wheels found on E-bay last I checked - all I can think to do is to suck it up and stick it out.

And prioritize. Keep the wheels in motion. Stay healthy (even mentally = HUGE challenge).

Accept living with things being "good enough".

Decide which attitude I'm going to have.

Break down and cry if necessary, just not in front of the kids.

I'm lucky to have so much to do. Certain things have recently arisen and come to me that go far beyond my dreams.

Will my tactics work?

I have no friggin' idea.

But, hey, that's life.

To my dear friend, C: I wrote this in my head before I read your entry today. Trust me, I know what you're going through. Jag hoppas att ljuset i tunneln snart visar sig för dig. KRAM