Who IS she?!

The best line from the best movie ever, delivered by Sally (Meg Ryan) in "When Harry Met Sally". Said with an overtly corrosive combination of distaste and disbelief, and with emphasis on the middle word, "IS", those three small words have forever been etched into my memory.

And suitably enough, that particular line comes to mind when I see my tired reflection in the mirror. There is no word that I am more tired of than the word T-I-R-E-D. I am always tired. When I think about it, I have been tired for as long as I can remember. Not only is it the cross I exhaustingly bear, it's an enemy I must confront every single day. And since that means me fighting myself on a daily basis, let's just say the the tired side has a pretty sizeable home-field advantage. And since it reigns over such a large portion of my very being, while at the same time creating my greatest obstacle, I can't help but wonder what part of my existence this being is?

This condition controls my primary instincts, so whenever I embark on a project, I must always first muster up enough energy to overcome the urge to just lay back, put it off, and zone out. Even as a child, I was a good student, but incapable of applying myself. Basically, I got by. As an adult I find it difficult to even do the things I enjoy most because of this ogre that resides within me. This is why I chose to become an instructor: that way I wouldn't have to bargain with myself every single time I needed/wanted to work out. And I love working out!

Even this morning, after having slept soundly through the night, I woke up wanting to meditate, LONGING to meditate. The voices inside me began immediately with their plea-bargaining. Just ten more minutes. You have all day to do it. Why not do it tonight? Your husband is probably going to come in before you're done. Or else you know the kids are going to wake up and start running around. You don't want to wear yourself out. Pace yourself...

Who ARE you, annoying, debilitating voices? Why must you torment me like demons with nothing better to do? On all other planes I see myself making efforts that lead to progress, but with you, I am getting nowhere, no matter how hard I try to bridle the beast.