A month ago, I was fortunate enough to squeeze in a yoga class for my teacher Josephine Selander while in Stockholm for work. As always, the session was equal parts joy and sweat. As always, Jossan had to remind me about the clenching of my jaws and subsequent snarl that appears when I'm overly focused on "getting it right". It's a tick I've had as long as I can remember, and none that I've ever really addressed.
Until now.
The past weeks have been devoted to erasing my grimace. I've decided it's time I trust my skills enough to allow myself the luxury of letting go once I'm in a pose. Instead of constantly judging my progress, tediously adjusting and readjusting, I've decided that that the time has come for me to start having enough faith in myself to accept that what I'm doing is good enough and then follow it up by letting go.
So far, it's going better than I expected. I've started urging myself gently to smooth out the skin on my face. Instead of striving to create perfect symmetry, I search for ways to experience lightness, and air, and contentment, as well as happiness and fun. Does it make my moves look better? I have no friggin' idea. But I feel like I'm onto something here, although I still have a long way to go.
After my mat session yesterday, it dawned on me that I've never once attempted using the concept of "moksha" (=freedom/liberation) as a theme to my practice. Frankly, the reason is that the idea of freedom intimidates me (=freaks me out), since it's something I equate with relinquishing control. A truly scary thought for me. This has made me come to realize that I really have some serious trust issues, not only when it comes to other people, but even when it comes to my feelings towards the universe.
Yes, I will continue to believe that I myself am responsible for forming my own destiny. But somewhere along the line, I need to figure out how to grant myself enough freedom to enjoy it.
