Wants and needs

Angry patients may use their frustration as a way of not letting their disability get the best of them, but the price they sometimes pay...

Ask yourself, if given the choice between having a wheelchair you can lift into your car without any help (but that you sit like crap in) compared to sitting comfortably, with support as well as good pressure distribution (while you get a subsidized wheelchair lift for your car), what would you choose? All too often I meet people WHO ARE COMPLETELY HUNG UP ON THE ONE THING THEY CANNOT DO that it overshadows everything else and consumes all this energy the way a leech sucks blood. Paradoxically they are limiting their freedom more by prioritizing their damn cars because the chairs they subsequently choose restrain their level of function in all other areas.

I, too, need to be reminded about what I really need as opposed to what I want. My motivation to doing yoga still has a lot to do with vanity and my idea that keeping my figure will keep me happy. My past two sessions I have concentrated first on acceptance while tonight I needed to cool down, soften up, and de-stress. Almost immediately I could feel a mental shift and realized that when I'm stuck in a fixed idea of demanding that things either stay the same or are adapted to suit to my tastes, I am not the most fun person to be with.

How refreshing it was to suddenly feel myself open as a vision of my family and me on vacation in the sun materialized. We're leaving for Teneriffe in two days. Instead of worrying about what I want to do, I am going to try to appreciate not having anything to do.

Woe is not me.

Here's the thing. I have money. I have more money than I need. I have the privilege of being able to buy stuff I don't need. So why do I get stressed out by spending money? At the same time I stress out for being unable to satisfy my spending urges?

This month we spent more money than usual buying bikes for me and the kids. Despite the expense, that purchase in particular felt like a no-brainer because it's something we'll use for years to come. It's the smaller purchases that trigger my bouts of anxiety - things like styling products, summer shoes, anti-wrinkle creams, books. All those things that cost anywhere between $20-$50. As soon as I've bought one of those things, I am suddenly struck by visions of just a few more small, inexpensive items that I don't necessarily need, but that in my fantasy world would make life just a little bit easier and/or more comfortable... If only I had them, too, then I'd be satisfied...or so I think.

I totally get those who make a decision to cease with all unecessary consumption as a way of taming their desire-beast. I've done that myself for shorter periods of time when I've felt I needed a time-out from a sense of shopping frenzy.

Still, I don't want to just tame the beast; I want the beast to disappear or at least transform itself into a nicer creature that I can live with without feeling nervous about it taking over. I remember reading years ago that money is like energy; the only way to gain more is by sharing (i.e. spending) it. I get that.

Desire in of itself isn't the problem; it's the the fear of losing objects of affection that causes my pain. I remember my mother-in-law with a storage area literally stuffed to the brim with old things she dare not let go of because they were worth a lot of money. And I remember thinking, "They're not worth a dime if they're just lying here in heaps collecting dust."

My husband has a lot easier time when it comes to consumption by using his "Screw-it!" philosophy. And at times, he's clever enough to do it without confronting -ahem- I mean consulting me. Case in point: Next Friday we leave for a week-long vacation to Tenerife. We've been looking forward to this for months. We've been so busy that we're lucky if we see each other in passing as we go from one appointment to another. I realize, however, that since we have the kids with us (as always), there's not going to be any real opportunity for doing things on our own.

So P took matters into his own hands, and he booked us for a morning brunch and spa tomorrow, even though we'll being flying in less than a week. Had he asked me what I thought, I would have answered that we'd be better off saving our money for our vacation.

On the other hand, I realize that this is our chance to have some real quality time together.

And truth be told, we can afford it.

Sometimes, my husband is a genius. (Just don't let him know I said so, Ok?)

Picture borrowed from Google (at least it didn't cost anything).

Maturity aches (the senior version of growing pains)

I feel the older I get the more I learn. That may, of course, be more do to necessity, seeing as I forget so much nowadays, rather than progressive development. Still, not a day goes without me either being introduced to some new trinket of previously unknown information or else I am struck dumbfounded by a true epiphany.

Sometimes it's enlightening.

Sometimes it's disheartening.

Last week while driving, I nearly wanted to cheer upon witnessing the return of cranes to the brown, Scandinavian landscape. When I first moved here more than two decades ago, one of my first outings with my then-boyfriend's parents was to a shallow lake where each spring literally hundreds of these lovely, gangly creatures engage in a mating dance for all to see. Back then I could hardly care less. Looking over a sea of spectators with campers, picnic baskets, binoculars, and camera objectives, it was apalling for me to see so many people with nothing better to do.

Today, me spotting just two birds in the middle of a muddy field fills my heart with joy. I've learned to appreciate the beauty and goodness of nature. The return of spring means more to me with each passing year. So that's a good example of learning.

I've mentioned in previous entries that I have a gift when it comes to bearing grudges. I jokingly say that it's part of my Catholic heritage, and keeping with tradition, much of my animosity is at times targeted towards my parents. What's so hard to get?! Why didn't they know better?! Wasn't it obvious?! Over and over I've played these tapes in my head.

Then all of the sudden it hit me. There was no way for them to know any better. Or at least it was a lot harder back then. Many of the truths I have been able to access have very much to do with the modern society I am able to raise my family in. My teachers have been among others Dr. Phil, Oprah, and Google. I won't even go into all that I learn from reading and just listening to the radio. Quite often they've been the voices of reason that have pointed out my own patterns of destruction and graciously offered an alternative.

I asked myself yesterday after this thought had struck me like a bolt of lightening, "How much of what you know, that which you do differently from your parents, would you have figured out on your own, without any input from your teachers?" Alas...zero is probably a safe guess.

Ouch.

I have shamelessly taken the crane photo from my girlfriend Jeanette's blog Handmade. I just love her photographs!