Recurring nightmare

As I child and far up into adolescence, I used to have nightmares about snakes. I can still recall waking up with feelings of utter helplessness combined with complete terror. I really hate snakes, to say the least. The difference is that when I dream about them today, I am able to focus on remaining calm in order to find the nearest escape route. And it works. So you would think I was making progress...

But that which scares me even more nowadays, that which several times a week has me waking up completely on edge and out of breath , is.....that I am about to miss a flight. The scenario constantly replaying itself in my psyche is that I suddenly realize my flight is embarking in, say, 5 minutes. Meanwhile, I am still at home or at a hotel and supposed to be on my way home, completely disoriented. Nothing is packed. I can't find my passport. I move in slow motion as though I were swimming in molasses as I vainly attempt to manuever myself out of the room, with an increasing sense of panic that slows me down even more.

Often times, enough time has elapsed to realize my flight most likely has taken off, but I continue steadfastly on, pulse pounding and stress hormones trickling out of my ears, in the feeble hope that my plane by some miracle has been delayed.

Last night, just to spice things up, the trip involved my husband and kids as well, and no one was even near ready. To top it off, my mother kept calling me, since I had apparently booked her ticket to wherever it was we were headed, and she was missing the last four digits of her reservation number. I promised that I would e-mail it to her just as soon as we hung up, which I immediately forgot to do. So she calls me back, once, twice, and finally tells me they won't let her on the plane without those numbers (which I still hadn't looked up, and now we were hopelessly late ourselves, and I couldn't locate the computer that I also knew was already shut down).

Besides the stressful, mental breakdown I encounter everytime I have this dream, I also find myself experiencing feelings of deep shame for causing this, in my eyes, uneeded failure. I absolutely hate doing wrong that which I feel I could have and should have done right.

I think I just need to miss a flight at some point, for real, so that I once and for all can realize that it wouldn't mean the end of the world. Otherwise, in the words of Voltaire, I am yet again letting "the perfect (be) the enemy of the good."