Fumbling in the dark

I feel like I'm treading water. Sure, my head's above the surface, but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere. It's not that I don't like where I am because quite honestly, I am in a really good place, no doubt about it.

So what's lacking? Well, perhaps "lacking" is a poor choice of words. More like, "What now?"

Ever since I went from dabbling with meditation to making a conscious effort to practice meditation, I've had a number of epiphanies. These "lightbulb moments" have made up a lot of the content to my blog entries, and their lessons have helped shape me into a more balanced being. On several occasions in the beginning, I could feel waves of warmth and peace washing over my bodymind, unlike anything I've experienced before. And this was when I was hardly even trying.

I understand that sensations such as these cannot be coerced. Just yesterday it occurred to me as I was contemplating why I no longer experience the same joyous currents that perhaps those experiences symbolized my spirtual opening, a kind of rite of passage as my practice reached a new depth.

But now that I'm here, in that which may be a new dimension to my meditation, I feel like I'm in the dark, and I have no idea where the light switch is.

I know, I know; I'm too result-oriented. I catch myself making the same mistake a lot of times when I do my yoga. But that's a part of who I am. And my logical intellect knows that these practices are key to maintaining a sound body and mind throughout the ageing process (and I would very much like to remain as sound in body and mind as possible because I am smack-dang in the middle of this so called ageing process, whether I like it or not.)

Despite the absence of the true a-ha moments, both my yoga and meditation continue to help in keeping me grounded and centered. And hopefully, some day, I will find that next switch.

I resolve...

When life gets crazy, (like, when is it not?!), the worst part about it is my feeling disconnected: from myself, my family, my friends, my practice, my surroundings. As I look back on the past few months, I realize that I have gone from being someone who gladly posted small tidbits about her life on FB, to being someone who's thinks to herself, "God, does anyone really want to read about yet another uneventful day in the life of me?"

The thing is, I don't want any of my friends to stop sharing details about their lives. FB is my one, true, guilty pleasure. I love keeping tabs on what everyone else is up to. Most of all, I thrive on the warmth of smiles shared across the miles.

But do I let them know that?

I may as well admit it; I am not living up to my end of the deal.

But that's going to change.

My New Year's Resolution for 2012 is that I am going to stay in better touch and let you, my friends, decide if you want to take part in what's going on with me.

I also promise to be much more generous with my "likes" and comments, not so much to give you my two-cents; rather so that you know I care.

Already, I feel more connected.

Thoughts from the soapbox!

"Self-knowledge! It seems as though it should be so easy to know yourself, but it's very, very challenging." - taken from yesterday's The Happiness Project blog entry.

And now for some venting (you have been warned): I get so frustrated by people who stubbornly and continuously subject themselves to selfharm. When you know better, you should do better, period.

I am the first to admit at Ego and Vanity are two of the more boisterous voices in my head that tend to make themselves heard. Luckily, Pain is louder. Pain is not weakness leaving my body. Pain is my inner Rottweiler who's got my back (literally), but when provoked will kick my butt (literally). So I'm thankful for the protection so that things don't go too far, yet I do my best to avoid using it as a tool to measure my progress.

When reading about ahimsa (non-violence) before using it as a theme to yesterday's yoga class, I came across the following from a Yoga Journal article: "...to be violent to the body means we are no longer listening to it. Violence and awareness cannot coexist. When we are forcing, we are not feeling. Conversely, when we are feeling, we cannot be forcing." Honestly, I don't think people have a problem with that concept because it really makes sense. The problem is when people cling to bad habits as though they're some kind of security blanket.

Well, guess what? If you're constantly sick and/or injured, then your security blanket is a veil. If you do yoga, do it for the sake of self-discovery so that you can find new avenues to living your life to the fullest.

The cat must have my tongue...

It's the last day of November, and this will be my only entry this month. Why is that? It's not like it's been an uneventful month. I got a new job, for starters. That's pretty cool. I've had the fantastic opportunity to assist my yoga teacher during a 200-hour Virya yoga teacher training the past three months. That's certainly something to celebrate.

My meditation practice has also been growing. And I've been able to take a Yin yoga class two weeks in a row (I absolutely LOVE Yin yoga, BTW.). I even bought a bolster and dvd (not that I've opened it quite yet, but soon, very soon...).

Kids are good. Hubby's good. LIFE is good.

I don't know why the urge to write has become dormant.

Probably because I'm tired. I'm grateful. I'm content. But I'm tired, which a lot of people are this time of year, but not me so much, at least not until now.

That and I've just haven't had any ideas for topics to write about. No inner debates. No revelations. No drama. No complaints.

Shut up and listen!

Decision time. A job offer that could take me to the next notch on my career ladder. Added responsibilities. But what about the salary?

The original offer was more than I have today, but still so much lower what I expected. My counterbid was swiftly rejected. Another offer was made, somewhat higher than the first, but still far off base.

What to do? Job offers don't grow on trees now, do they? Openings through the corporate ceiling aren't easy to come by either. I was given the weekend to decide whether to accept or decline.

So I sat down to meditate yesterday. I decided to inquire within, and as though I were practicing a mantra I repeated in my mind, "What should I do? What should I do? What should I do?" After a couple of minutes, my silence sternly responded, "SHUT UP & LISTEN!"

OK, point taken. Stop mauling and start chilling.

Today, I sat again in meditation, keenly set on listening. Somewhere in the depths of my skull I could here David Bowie's "Ziggy Stardust" playing (I had heard it on the radio the other day.). My silence asked me, "Who is your greatest enemy?"

My mind, always wanting to chip into the conversation was about to respond, "David Bowie", when my silence beat him/her to it by offering the following: FEAR & AMBIVALENCE.

OK, I thought. I didn't want to admit to my silence that I had a feeling I knew what ambivalence meant, but I still wasn't 100% sure. So I looked it up online afterwards:

am·biv·a·lence noun \am-ˈbi-və-lən(t)s\

Definition of AMBIVALENCE
1: simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action
2a : continual fluctuation (as between one thing and its opposite) b : uncertainty as to which approach to follow

Point taken. Mind made up. No more fear. No more ambivalence.

Nothing on my bucket list

I spent the weekend admidst the pictoresque landscape that is Northern Sweden's eastern coast, whose white steeples set against a background of foliage-painted hills is the closest I'll come to the magnificence of my childhood New England autumns. Inside the stone walls of a medieval church replica, I enjoyed the extreme pleasure of bearing witness to the exhcange of marital vows between two of my closest friends.

P and I had also chosen to marry in the fall, and even though he couldn't join me on this joyous excursion, the spirit of this weekend has rekindled within me a profound sense of closeness and gratitude towards my husband. Despite the hundreds of miles between us, I am living proof that longning does make the heart grow fonder.

On Friday I had spoken to my sister, and she mentioned in passing that she had discussed her "Bucket List" with a new acquaintance. It got me to thinking about what my "Bucket List" should include? In short, I came up with nothing.

This, I believe, is partly due to the fact that my life has included more than I ever dreamt was possible. And even though I'll continue to welcome new opportunities to travel to say the very least, the only thing I am certain of as far as my destination goes is that I want to share it with P. In other words, I'd rather sit on a park bench with him in town than lie alone on an exotic beach in the tropics. I'd rather be happy everyday (well, at least several days a week), than feel ecstatic for just a few days of my life.

I have absolutely nothing against bucket lists. I think it's great if someone has a vision and strives to fulfill their dreams, no matter what they may be. For me, being able to continue living the life that I have, even though future changes are going to be inevitable, is all I need for the moment.

En garde

Top priority: To prioritize. Work steers my days, as long as everyone at home is OK, it's only fair to say that Work gets top bidding. Long days. A number of nights on the road.

When I get home it's time to be with my family and relieve my husband who's been holding down the fort. Mom-mode ON. Cooking the dinners. Doing the laundry. And even taking the kids on individual dates for some one-on-one quality time.

Energy level depleting. But the need for some exercise, even if it's just a couple times a week is mandatory. My mind and wardrobe refuse to negotiate on this point.

Where do I find quiet? Even my sleep is filled with dreams of me rushing to and fro (Love the fact that I just used the term "fro" in a sentence.) So meditation has become my oasis. Meditation helps me maitain a sustainable inner-atmospheric pressure level. Its doesn't necessarily deliver immediate answers to my queries, but from time to time the light bulb is lit.

Today's meditation began by yet again confirming the fact that experienced stress triggers tightness around my heart, which cannot be good at any level. Albeit nonpainful, I don't like it, period. At the same time I know that stress is my catalyst, it gets my motor running, so I can't imagine being completely without it.

I was then struck by this truth; much of my stress has to do with me feeling the incessant need to be on RED ALERT-mode. Ready for an attack at any given moment. I took a fencing class in college (loved it), and the reason I was pretty good at it was that I could wait out my opponent. When my opponent's patience had waned and he went to attack, I effectively thwarted his attempted charge and and retaliated with a counterstrike - PANG! So that's what's going on around my heart a lot of the time?

That's exactly what's going on because I don't trust myself enough to rely on my ability to take on challenges as they come, if they come. I'm acting as though there's a gang of monsters under my bed instead of just turning on the lights.

I don't want to stress my heart haphazardly. I don't wish to age more biologically than I have to. Today I promised myself to start trusting myself. I know I'm good at what I do. I just have to believe it, too.