Fumbling in the dark

I feel like I'm treading water. Sure, my head's above the surface, but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere. It's not that I don't like where I am because quite honestly, I am in a really good place, no doubt about it.

So what's lacking? Well, perhaps "lacking" is a poor choice of words. More like, "What now?"

Ever since I went from dabbling with meditation to making a conscious effort to practice meditation, I've had a number of epiphanies. These "lightbulb moments" have made up a lot of the content to my blog entries, and their lessons have helped shape me into a more balanced being. On several occasions in the beginning, I could feel waves of warmth and peace washing over my bodymind, unlike anything I've experienced before. And this was when I was hardly even trying.

I understand that sensations such as these cannot be coerced. Just yesterday it occurred to me as I was contemplating why I no longer experience the same joyous currents that perhaps those experiences symbolized my spirtual opening, a kind of rite of passage as my practice reached a new depth.

But now that I'm here, in that which may be a new dimension to my meditation, I feel like I'm in the dark, and I have no idea where the light switch is.

I know, I know; I'm too result-oriented. I catch myself making the same mistake a lot of times when I do my yoga. But that's a part of who I am. And my logical intellect knows that these practices are key to maintaining a sound body and mind throughout the ageing process (and I would very much like to remain as sound in body and mind as possible because I am smack-dang in the middle of this so called ageing process, whether I like it or not.)

Despite the absence of the true a-ha moments, both my yoga and meditation continue to help in keeping me grounded and centered. And hopefully, some day, I will find that next switch.