Fall

Driving home from Denmark this past Friday, I noticed how the leaves on the birches along the highway were already spotted with yellow. "It's still August," I thought to myself with a slight cringe. Grin and bear it, I guess.

However, truth be told, I love the fall. I can't help it. As much as I've grown to dislike winter (and fall is the undeniable sign that winter soon will be upon us) nothing is more seductive to me than crisp, fall air. Today while P and I were out walking in the woods, a nearly overwhelming feeling of simultaneous warmth and sorrow washed over me, and I got all "verklempt" (Yes, as in Linda Richman from "Coffee Talk" verklempt). For my Swedish friends, it means I got all choked up.

The same thing, every year. As soon as the first signs of autumn arrive, I get all choked up. I've never been able to figure out why, but today something dawned on me. I had dreamt last night that I was about to die, perhaps due to some illness, I'm not sure. Anyhow, the only thing that mattered was for me to write letters to my husband and children telling them just how much I loved them. And despite my sadness, it was those feelings of love and my determination to express that love that were still present when I finally woke up and realized with a sigh relief that it was just a dream. I immediately curled up behind my husband, ever so grateful for the warmth from his body.

I've read accounts written by cancer survivors who proclaim a newfound appreciation for life as a result of their upclose and personal experience with crisis, finity, and mortality. According to them, they are now able savor each breathing moment more than they did before, a kind of rebirth and/or awakening, you might say.

I think that it the reason why the coming of fall affects me the way it does. While I am reminded that yet another year is drawing towards a close, I realize on another level that the passage of time is inevitable, and since there is only a short span of time left to enjoy the sight, sound, and smell of grass and leaves then there's really no time to be lost, least of all by fretting. Instead I have to get out there and enjoy it as much as I can.

With all due respect, I am in no way equating the comparison of a changing of seasons to the plight persons fighting for their survival face. And while I would never dream of saying that I can even begin to understand what it is they go through, there is still something to be learned by the lessons they offer on not only surviving, but on living as well.