It's getting close now...

Those were my 7-year-old son's first words on December 22nd. Being awakened by his enthusiasm towards the pending Christmas celebration was like being awakened by the first returning birds in early spring. I woke up with a smile.

Outside it was bitter cold, but the shock of getting hit with subzero temperatures was easily surpassed by the beauty of the sun shining on the crystalized snow. With strokes of pastels colors from sunrise still visible along the morning sky, I headed to the village church to enjoy the school's Christmas assembly. The snow crunched beneath my feet as my lungs were filled with crisp, clean air.

Inside the church I listened to the children's songs and sang merrily along to "Stilla Natt" and "Nu Tändas Tusen Juleljus". Throughout the entire procession I concentrated on enjoying each moment with warm detachment. For once I felt able to experience joy without the normal pangs of dreary bitterness upon the simultaneous realization that the Christmas festivities as well as that beautiful winter weather would soon be nothing more than a fleeting memory.

Instead I walked back home afterwards feeling utterly content, thinking to myself that two days before Christmas Eve may very well be my favorite day of the year: we're close enough to the actual holiday that you can feel it in every cell of your body, yet there's no need to start freaking out about all that needs to be done seeing as there's still two days to prepare...

So, yes, I was content, even happy. Played Christmas carols on Spotify while wrapping the kids' presents.

That afternoon I received a phone call from a colleague/friend. Our mutual colleague/friend, the one who's been battling cancer for six years, had once again been hospitalized. This time there was nothing more that could be done. He died the next day.

We all knew that we were eventually going to lose him; yet he had fooled us by tricking Death out of taking him prematurely so many times before...that it seemed unreal. We had had our last conversation just a few days prior, and I had ended it abruptly because I had a another call waiting. How idiotic is that?!

Still, I know he didn't mind - he wasn't the type who would. And what would the point have been of knowing that this was the last time we would speak to each other? Maybe, at least I hope anyway, that it was just as well that we both enjoyed that last phone call just as it was, without worrying about the inevitable future.

Status report

I can't freakin' believe it's been 4 weeks since my last entry.

To be honest, I already have an entry in progress ("What I Believe"), but I can't freakin' figure out what to write.

And my thumb hurts...

That said, I'm feeling absolutely pathetic. My half-severed thumb (OK, grandiose exaggeration) is what I went to sleep thinking about last night. It was my first thought this morning. I have spent every freakin', waking moment incessantly thinking about it today. And I guarantee it will be my final thought before sleep blesses me with merciful reprieve.

Because that's what pain does. It takes over and takes no prisoners as it kicks your a**. It penetrates your psyche as it clouds your mental abilities, making you feel as though you've been cursed with a voodoo doll (complete with accompanying needles).

Simultaneously I find myself feeling so incredibly frustrated. Last year, when I turned 40, I was still recovering from knee surgery and longing for my mat. Last week I turned 41, and I joyfully went to my first Zumba class. Afterwards I swore that from now on, I would get back into including more cardio to my workout schedule. I was both excited and eager to get started (once again) with my "new" life!

And now that's all on hold. All because of a piece of thumbnail no larger than half a dime.

I'm not so self-centered as to not understand that my "trauma" is about as serious as running out of milk. I know that my life is still as rich and rewarding regardless of potential dangers lurking in silverware drawers. Yoga isn't about the physical practice. I get the message that radio station P3 is relaying with their 6-day "Music Help" sit in to raise money in the battle against child trafficking, which puts my petty ails in perspective.

I think sometimes that practicing equanimity (steadiness of the mind) simply means going with the flow, with neither too much thought nor attention. And I realize that in a couple of weeks, I will (yet again) be able to pick up where I left off. That is, until I hit my next speed bump...

Topic 7 - My Best Friend

What am I, 10?

Sorry, I'm 40.

Although I do wish I still had the kind of best friend one has when one is 10. Nothing beats juicy girl talk.

But finding die-hard girlfriends isn't easy for me. I used to have a handful, pretty good, mostly long-distance girlfriends, but after tiring of being the one who always called first, I decided that a sustainable friendship should be based on mutual interest and initiative.

The few that I have today, albeit not quite as intimate as in SATC, are ones that I truly value. At the same time, all I hope for is to enjoy them on a day-to-day basis, without expecting nor demanding too much. And that's OK as long as my life is OK. Should I end up in an emotional gutter, I honestly don't know who'd I would or could call.

So what else is there?

Naturally my husband is falls into the category 'best friend', as long as I'm not mad at him...

My cat is a really comforting friend, that is, if he's in the mood to snuggle...

I have some great colleagues, mostly guys, and while we laugh alot, there's a limit as to what topics we can discuss!

And sure, I'm lucky to have my four siblings, but they HAVE TO be nice to me!

What's left then?

Here's something I'll never forget; something my childhood friend's mother once sternly asked with (pointing index finger and everything) :

Friend's Mom: Judie Moss, who is your best friend?!

Me: I dunno...G?

Friend's Mom: YOU are your own best friend, young lady!

And that small piece of wisdom has stuck with me for the past 30 years. And the truth of those words are my mantra today.

Still, if anyone is interested in being a BFF, or a BF For Right Now, or just a F that feels like going for some latte, just say the word.

Topic V: What is LOVE?

I doubt I'm in any way qualified to answer this question. That is, if you want an answer filled with universal wisdom of any sort.

Still, it is an interesting question, and I've had a difficult time trying to come up with a coherent answer. To be frank, I still don't have an answer. But then I realized that I was trying to find a way to narrow down my definition until it was both airtight and waterproof, only to discover that I am not capable of pure, undying, and unconditional love. I feel that as a human, knowing how thoughts, feelings, and life circumstances are constantly changing, that even my deepest feelings about love can also suffer from impermanence.

Which is a drag, I know. At least that's what I was thinking to myself as I grabbed my mug to pour myself a cup of coffee. I grabbed my favorite mug, one with I [heart] NY printed on it, and I instantly thought, "God, I love this mug." Followed immediately by my thinking, "and, God, I LOVE my morning cup of coffee!"

My internal Swedish voice wanted to scold me for so flagrantly using the term love to describe how I felt in the above statements. That's one criticism Americans get from (some) Swedes: that we are superficial because we use words and expressions like "love" and "how are you" without genuinely meaning it.

The thing is, when I drink my morning coffee out of my favorite mug, at that particular moment I am as close to experiencing bliss as I can come. So I put a gag on my internal Swedish voice and wondered instead, "What else do I love?"

Instantly, a picture of Ben & Jerry's popped into my head (big surprise).

Lighting the candles in the lanterns I have hanging on my porch this dreary, rainy, November morning.

Silence.

Yoga, or rather, how yoga makes me feel after a session on the mat.

Ocean waves.

Hearing my children and husband laugh.

You see, once I broadened my definition to include anything that brings me joy instead of excluding everything that was less than perfect, finding a definition of love that I could live with suddenly became easy.

Topic IV - What I ate today...

For those who may or may not be keeping count, I skipped Topic #3: my parents.

Moving on...

Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day. I eat the same breakfast just about every day, but since I had to hit the road early today, I skipped my usual soft boiled egg with caviar.

Otherwise, I drank a glass of freshly pressed orange juice to wash down my mulitvitamin, glucosamine tablets, and artic root tablet. While a pot of coffee was brewing, I poured some milk over my bowl of shredded wheat, müsli, and flaxseed combo. Usually I add a handful of blueberries from this summer's harvest, but since they're frozen I didn't want to wake up the kids by using the microwave.

Poured some coffee (light and sweet, just like me?) into my Starbuck's thermos to drink on my drive to Skåne.

I had clinical workshops today, so I bought apple-cinnamon cake for my customers and helped myself to a piece around 10:30 A.M. For lunch I only had about 20 minutes, so I'm afraid that Chef Ronald once again made my lunch: two cheeseburgers, Tropicana orange juice, and a medium latte.

Another small piece of cake around 2:30.

Then on my drive home I found a bottle of strawberry oat-drink that I had forgotten about - YUM. Also, I had bought two pouches of apple slices while at McD's that I washed down with a bottle of water.

For dinner, my kids were starved, so I made one of their favorites: smoked pork-pancake (more like an omelette made in the oven) along with cloudberries mixed with sugar. Drink: water.

Not my proudest day as far as my culinary habits go, but both honest and pretty typical...

Topic II - My First Love

I hope my daughter gets to experience her "first love" the same way I did. Oddly enough, I look more fondly back upon my first love, than I do the four-year relationship I had with the guy I was living with up until I met P.

I was 16. He was 17. There must be something about capricorns with a wry sense of humor, because that's what attracted me to this guy, and it just so happens that my husband shares those exact same qualities. Also, he was the strong, silent type, just like my husband.

We were friends first. So when it was time to take things to "the next level", I was emotionally ready because at that point, we were truly in love. I have absolutely no regrets.

The following year, I started college, and eventually I wanted to see other people. I was all about convention, and wanted to follow the plan mapped out for me, but my boyfriend didn't see his future that way. He followed his own path which I had a hard time accepting. That, and I was on my own for the first time in my life and curious as to what was out there.

And so what do I end up doing? You guessed it; I moved to Europe. So much for convention.

Thirty days...discuss!

Ok, a list is circulating on the web with 30 personal topics to blog about. I'm in the midst of a severe case of "Blogger's block", so I thought a challenge like this sounded like fun. You remember what fun is, right? I'm not sure I'll manage 30 days in a row, but I'm going to try!

Day 1: Allow me to introduce myself...

A woman with several hats: wife, mother, physical therapist, sales rep, clinical trainer, yoga student, yoga instructor...

...or rather, a woman who juggles between her different hats, hoping to one day figure out who she is so that she can go hatless, and still keep everything in motion.

I'm still in love. It was definitely lust at first sight way back in 1992. The best part today is grossing my kids out by kissing my husband in front of them.

My children are my oxygen; they sustain me. And yet I can't wait to see how they shape their own lives when they are no longer dependant on my husband and me. I hope I can help them to become happy and secure individuals as well as compassionate citizens. I hope they can look back on their childhood with joy.

I wish, however, I had more patience with my family. My hugest fallback is being overly sensitive. I could use lessons in chillin'.

I'm much better one-on-one than in groups, unless I have a leading role, such as teacher. Why? Because I'm basically a pretty shy person.

So I have very few close friends. I used to be the "nice" person who gave more than she took. Now I'm only interested in relationships that offer some sort of balance.

I've always been interested in staying in shape, but I am hopeless at getting my butt in gear. What to do? Find a profession that encourages me to keep on moving - physical therapy. And to really keep me moving I became a group-training instructor because that forced me to the gym, and later on, to my mat.

Yoga is my beacon. Yoga found me when I was ready for it. Yoga has been patient and met me where I am, and taken me to the next level when I've reached the point that I am ready to move on. My physical practice is still a big part of my well-being, but I find myself more and more drawn to using yoga to create inner peace.

My work offers me a way to "do some good", and it in turn I get the chance to feel good about it. And many times it teaches me perspective.

For example, I was mistaken in my previous entry. The young man with cancer whose father had written to me had passed away on November 6th. Even though pain is a relative concept, when I am once again reminded about life's fragility, it only makes me want to appreciate what I have even more.

And one thing I love about life is laughter. I love irony (as does my husband). As well asSNL from the 80's, which is why I had to include a picture from "Coffee Talk" in this entry.

Picture from Google