Top priority: To prioritize. Work steers my days, as long as everyone at home is OK, it's only fair to say that Work gets top bidding. Long days. A number of nights on the road.
When I get home it's time to be with my family and relieve my husband who's been holding down the fort. Mom-mode ON. Cooking the dinners. Doing the laundry. And even taking the kids on individual dates for some one-on-one quality time.
Energy level depleting. But the need for some exercise, even if it's just a couple times a week is mandatory. My mind and wardrobe refuse to negotiate on this point.
Where do I find quiet? Even my sleep is filled with dreams of me rushing to and fro (Love the fact that I just used the term "fro" in a sentence.) So meditation has become my oasis. Meditation helps me maitain a sustainable inner-atmospheric pressure level. Its doesn't necessarily deliver immediate answers to my queries, but from time to time the light bulb is lit.
Today's meditation began by yet again confirming the fact that experienced stress triggers tightness around my heart, which cannot be good at any level. Albeit nonpainful, I don't like it, period. At the same time I know that stress is my catalyst, it gets my motor running, so I can't imagine being completely without it.
I was then struck by this truth; much of my stress has to do with me feeling the incessant need to be on RED ALERT-mode. Ready for an attack at any given moment. I took a fencing class in college (loved it), and the reason I was pretty good at it was that I could wait out my opponent. When my opponent's patience had waned and he went to attack, I effectively thwarted his attempted charge and and retaliated with a counterstrike - PANG! So that's what's going on around my heart a lot of the time?
That's exactly what's going on because I don't trust myself enough to rely on my ability to take on challenges as they come, if they come. I'm acting as though there's a gang of monsters under my bed instead of just turning on the lights.
I don't want to stress my heart haphazardly. I don't wish to age more biologically than I have to. Today I promised myself to start trusting myself. I know I'm good at what I do. I just have to believe it, too.
